Sunday, May 16, 2010

Ugh

I just ate so much junk food and I had McDonald's for dinner. I just feel gross. I'm depressed and I have PMS. Who wants to read about this?? Look - this is where I am - THIS PRETTY MUCH BLOWS. I would be so high and wasted right now. For sure and - well I'm not and if tonight I needed to eat a bunch of crap so be it. It will get better - I guess - that's what everyone says. It's just I'm tired and I suppose if I went to the gym and I meditated and prayed I would feel better but I can't. I took a shower today - changed a light bulb - made sure to make my bed and call my sponsor and I went to a meeting. I want to have sex - or snuggle or - go on a date? No - I'm to tired for a date - I so DO NOT want to have sex - I am so fat right now. I would turn off all the lights and just lay there. Um - boo - that is sucky sex. Oh - my heart and my soul hurts and let's face it I am feeling SORRY for myself!! So sososososo - sorry for myself. I'll never find true love agian - my career is over, blah blah blah. This is emotionally, soulfully and physically very painful for me. My body hurts. My lyme disease seems to be acting up or my body hurts from being old and a dpressed waitress. I just don't get it. How do people get to the other side of this?? I'm emberassed all the time - about my behavior and then in sharing also. I share a the meetings but I don't TOTALLY want to share. I don't REALLY want to be honest. I want to be some rosey, happy version of a drunk. Right - because that exhists. It's all so hard to deal with. I don't want to remember not feeling good in my childhood. I don't want to remember that I wasn't taken care of emotionally. Although in all fairness - I'm emotional squared. The most focused parents on that type of stuff would have had trouble with me. And I feel stupid because I'm so lucky that this is what I'm dealing with. I need a vacation or something. I wish I could paint. I wish I had a big giant room I could paint in and dance in and swim in. That's all. I feel like I'm never going to get better blog. It scares me and for pete's sake it's pathetic and then THAT'S not a nice way to talk to myself. I'm so hard on myself it's ridiculous. I'm tired and lonely and I don't want to talk to anyone. I'm having a hard time and that's just it. Please help me to help me God. That's my prayer. Thanks blog and thanks God.

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