Sunday, May 23, 2010
I feel a tiny bit emberassed about that rant I went on - although I'm glad I did that instead of drinking or doing drugs. Here's the thing - the next night was so much better. I just did the best I could and I tried to be nice to the door guys before hand. Oh - wait - what am I talking about? Friday night also sucked. Saturday night was better. And today - today was a good day. I went to a play that a new friend produced and it was hilarious - so awesome. And I met the guy in the show afterwards. He was nice to me - and very down to earth. He's famous so I guess that always surprises me. They must have had so much fun doing it - rehearsing it. She was amazing and she's even more famous than him. She just put it out there. Balls to the wall - so great. So what did I learn this week? I don't know. I love theatre. Theater? You watch shows in a theater is I think how it works. Anyway when I was in the theater today and the lights went down, I put my head back and just loved in all the magic that happens in those moments before the show starts. Everything is quiet and dark and just - magical. I've always loved it so much that part. It's like taking a shower in the dark or - swimming underwater with your eyes closed. Just - otherworldy and mysterious and exciting and QUIET. Jesus - I love quiet so much. The woods are quiet and moist and mysterious and I love that too. But alive - so sooo alive. Ahhh - I don't know. I don't know what I want to do but I know that I like quiet, moist things so I should figure it out from that in no time. Oh I also like being sarcastic. Yes I do. I just gave up on Saturday and decided to do the best I could and not try that hard and do the best I could to get what I wanted. Which was to make as much money as possible. I feel like I'm lying partially because I also don't want to say I got my period because I think that's gross but I did and that had to help me from being not so grumpy. A relief. Oye yoi yoi. I had to call my therapist from work on Friday and my sponsor. How many people does it take to raise a full grown woman? A lot is the answer. I want to have a life where I get to be funny also. But I don't know if it's going to be stand-up. Hotel rooms are gross and I - I don't know. Really - I don't know. It's so bizarre. I almost want to go back to school. I think I feel like I'm 14 emotionally. Maybe older. What do I like? I like to read and write. I like to make people laugh and I like to cry and I like boys. Yes - I'm 14 emotionally. Look I just really want to be happy and healthy. I have no idea what that looks like on the outside I only know what that wants to feel like on the inside. So - so that means liking myself and giving myself a break right now and also letting myself heal on the inside. Really heal up this hole and this emptiness inside of my heart and soul. Okay I have to go to sleep. I love you and I missed you. I will tell God you said hellooooooo.