My Father Died.

Well that's dramatic but true.  I'm on their farm- it's 6:41 am - I've been up since 4:30.  Every night I wake up - I can't sleep.  He just passed away in his sleep Sunday night - no warning - no drama - no falling down - just went to sleep and that was that.  I'm so sad.  I'm so sad and I'm going to miss him so much.  30 baby chicks came in the mail yesterday - I went and picked them up from the post office.  When they brought them out from the back I could hear them chirping and I started crying.  He just wanted to be a farmer and he was.  That's it.  I just went and checked on the chicks and let the other chickens out - let the dogs out - made coffee.  Everyone is still sleeping.  I can fall asleep at night, I just can't stay asleep.  I wake up and remember and that's that.  My poor mother - she found him.  She thought he was just sleeping.  Peacefully sleeping.  Tomorrow is their wedding anniversary.  I'm just so sad.  I have tried to prepare myself for this but - well how can you?  How could I?  I'm just glad he didn't suffer.  My brother said he was so nice the day before - excited about his birthday party coming up and just really being so wonderful.  Ugh.  It's so beautiful here right now too.  It's so green and lush - birds everywhere and fire flies at night.  He died the same month he was born.  He died happy - can you imagine?  So naturally just like he wanted to. He didn't take medications - haha - which maybe he should have and he would have lasted longer.  I can sleep some other time I guess.  I'm so glad I'm sober - I'm so grateful.  This would be so hard drinking and it would have been so hard if I hadn't worked so hard to have a loving, healed relationship with him.  I certainly haven't accomplished much in my life but in my heart I am so proud that I loved my parents.  He knew I loved him and he loved me.  And honestly I'm not sure what else matters.  I mean besides  everything but I am so grateful I was able to at least clean that up.  Dear God.  So now everything is going to change.  But it always changes.  I'm lucky I got as much time as I did.  He had a hard life in many ways and yet he still had a lot of loving, soft parts.  And he was funny!  And gorgeous - holy cow - looking at all the pictures of him - his early Navy days, my parents wedding - he looks like a movie star.  Does everyone say that about their parents I don't know?  Anyway I'm crying and I'm not sure where/why/what is going to happen.  He just wanted me to be happy.  I mean - I just don't know what else I could ask for.  Paying off my student loans maybe?  That would have been nice.  These next couple of days are going to be so hard.  Today is the wake - tomorrow is the funeral.  I just want to see him - I haven't been able to see him yet - I mean no one has.  Ugh - life is so tender.  He loved my guy.  He loved my guy and wow - one thing about my father was if he didn't like you - he did not mess around.  you were either in - or out.  And when he didn't like a boyfriend - he knew it.  I guess he would be semi-polite but not really.  But he loved my guy.  Really spent time with him and bossed him around a ton - which meant he REALLY liked you.  Good lord.  This coffee I made is disgusting.  Haha - every morning.  Is it their coffee maker or me?  He had some specific formula for  grinding the coffee and the water and honestly - he probably took that secret with him.  I found out he had a Master's Degree.  That's why I was born in California my brother said - because he was getting his Master's.  I NEVER knew that.  I just want to live with heart.  Can I do that?  Be happy, live with heart and let myself free?  I'm not sure but it's the road I'm taking - at least for today.  Those baby chicks are crazy adorable.....I keep just walking around the farm and taking it in.  He always said it was so great I had this place to come to - from the city.  Oh love.  Oh life.  Oh love.