Day 2470.

So here I am on the couch - which is glorious - listening to lawns being mowed and it's still early in the morning.  10;05 a.m.  When I was still drinking - sometimes I would wake up at 10 a.m. and drink whatever was left over from the night before - warm beer, warm wine - and smoke more pot and then pass out again until 3:00 in the afternoon.  My poor dog.  Just sitting there - watching me kill myself.  What a horrible pet parent I was.  God - I'm sick thinking about it.  I mean I loved her - more than anything but still.  Jesus.  I am writing this and thinking why am I doing this to myself - why think about that - I don't know why.  I'm coming up on 7 years sober and it's terrifying.  It always gets scary near my anniversary.  I have to say this though - I can have compassion for myself for who I was then. I just couldn't get it.  I couldn't get sober.  I couldn't wrench myself away from it.  Ugh and now the crazy part is that I have a solution - the program and all the tools I have to use and if I don't use them - I'm just as crazy as I was when I was drinking.  Okay - but in a different way or rather without the relief.  How terrifying and overwhelming is that??  That's my experience anyway.  Okay so FUN TALKS.  Anyway I had a crazy dream last night that woke me up and actually scared me so badly I didn't want to get up and pee - which I needed to.  I just stayed in bed and went back to sleep.  I dreamed that I was on some big flat raft in the water - a huge body of water like that ocean only it was fairly still - not to wavy.  I was on the raft with my guy and a little boy with glasses.  All of a sudden from not too far away this giant creature came out of the water - sort of like how dolphins and whales do - arched out of the water and dove back in.  At first I thought maybe it was a whale but I realized it was some creature I have never seen before - It looked like a giant snake but also one I have never seen before and fatter - with a weird head - it had circular designs and scales around it's neck - it was fucking scary.  It didn't get thinner like a snake at the end and it had like a finless tail if that makes any sense.  So at first my guy was excited and said to the boy "Oh did you see that - cool!"  But I realized by the time it got back into the water that it was scary and then suddenly the little boy was gone.  I said where is he - the raft had gotten rocky form the creature and he must have gone overboard.  Well my guy jumps in the water to go save him - look for him - I don't see the boy anywhere.  Then suddenly I see a giant man underwater with flippers on and all sorts of scuba diving gear on and he had lights on and I wasn't sure why he was there - maybe he was looking for the creature.  Just then to the left the little boy comes sputtering out of the water and I scream there he is and I think oh he resurfaces thank God.  But just then he gets pulled under with a scream.  I see the guy go over and dive down to get him and that's when I woke up fucking terrified. I felt like my bed was on the water and I did not want to get up and pee because I was afraid of the creature.  UGH.  I should not read those dumb "24 photos of things right before the most traumatic moments in history" before bed.  WHAT THE FUCK.  Anyway I told my guy and he said I should write it down so I did.  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYEEE!