A cool sexy cat

I'm getting better and yet as far as men are concerned - nuts still. I went to show my friend a song I wrote - he video taped me and then I wanted to put it on Facebook so a guy would see it - he saw it - said he liked it - then I lost my mind. Why can't I ever be one of those cool, head together kind of chicks? I will never ever be that - I'm just ridiculous. Now I'm getting upset - can you imagine?? I'm starting to panic in general. My energy is coming back and I never thought that would happen - so I want to do more things. I'm writing more - awesome. Playing my ukulele more - fabulous. I'm just not used to this - I don't understand what is happening and in some way I'm trying to control my life. Look how hard I'm being on myself - for what? I met a friend and brought her to the meeting tonight and I got all excited and confused and FAKE in some way. I dorked out - I really did. Why do I do that - why can't I be calm around people? I'm beating myself up right now in a huge way. I'm confused and desperate and tired but full of energy. And that fucking girl from work asked me to work - then said - oh call at 5:00 to make sure and then told me not to come in. What?? So all day I thought I was going to work. Ugh - I'm trying to complain - I knew that would happen - I just went along with it for brownie points. For real. Anyway I also - I have no money and I'm freaked out about that. I suddenly have no money and rent is due and blah blah. I just have to start working a bunch again - that's all. I am well rested so why am I so over yet under whelmed?? Is that one word? I also have a cold - or allergies I guess. Jesus. All this being said I'm not drinking - I'm not doing drugs - I'm not banging strangers and I'm not screaming at people. But I feel like - confused and - what? Ummmm - like I should - KNOW something. Ugh - the only thing I KNOW is that I am best when I don't know - whne I'm not trying to figure anything out and when I'm - moving my body. I miss dancing and swimming. For real - and for only me. I miss those things in my heart and my soul, spirit and body. Is this when it really gets hard? I'm so in my head and sooo wanting to make something happen. I need to let go - let my grip go and just act. So I guess let my mental grip go? I'm not funny right now - at all. I'm - oh my - I think I might be being neurotic. Huh - well I am drinking coffee at 1:50 in the morning ao I suppose that is an appropriate feeling or judgement on my writing. Okay - I'm done for now - this is ridiculous. Well if this doesn't make me feel like a cool, sexy cat - what would??