Saturday, August 7, 2010

Oh my goodness

it has gotten difficult again this sobriety. Holy shit - I am suddenly innundated with horrendous feelings and I am so uncomfortable. I am completely crawling out of my skin and I am filled with rage. I am so angry and confused and a mess. I was a terror at work last night - a real nasty winner. Winner? Just a nasty - nasty, bitchy, SORE and upset. I do not like being like this - it's really awful. I also now want to stuff my face again and just - drinka nd smoke pot. I even in the last couple of days thought of cigarettes. I thought about the relief it could provide to smoke - the inhaling and the getting away from everyone. But that is a lie - it will make me sick - so sick and smell and hurt me way more than it would help. I also keep waking up and being like - oh shit - I've done nothing - I'm nothing - I've wasted so much time. A girl from one of the meetings said that that is the disease. Yikes - how awful. It feels good to write this right now and I told my sister which also helped. She said it made sense and I guess it does. This is the last month of my sobriety before one year and I do feel panic stricken and sooo CRAZY. Just this horrible nastiness in me and all negative things are heightened. That's what she said - my sister - and it's true. I am a real piece of work I tell you. Drama through and through. And work is horrendous. OF course it is - they are drunks, and just sadness. Lots of sadness there being masked by inappropriate behavior and drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. What is most confusing to me is that I am taking way better care of myself - i think. I am showering more anyway and meditating more. And praying more. Less meetings and less sharing at meetings. Oye yoi yoi - jeez. What the fuck. I am being hard on myself. But I also want to be honest - really honest and really real. What?? I mean - I have a tendency to lie to myself and so am I being better at taking care of myself? I ran out of money this week and that FREAKED me out. And part of the reason was because I did indeed buy some things I haven't used yet and I probably didn't need. This led to me not eating well for a couple of day - including yesterday and I haven't taken my vitamins consistantly. All of that makes me crazy and desperate. Being hungry and without money makes me nuts. I had some food here in my room but did I bring it with me - or even eat it before I left?? No. Then 3 nights at work I freaked out on disguting food because I was soooo desperately hungry. Christ - this sounds like I'm 5 years old. Okay - okay - I won't let that happen today. I have been walking the dog more - that's good. Oh please - let me be nice to myself. Please. Poetry here we go.

I will hold on with a grip not firm
Flow with the waves of the tidal turns
Inside me is crazy
A storm that's heaving
A birth outside me
Of death that's leaving
Gone goes the pain
Gone goes the night
Help me through this last battle
Help hold me Light.

This poem is hilarious and the exact reason why I was a comedian. Oh - drama - you are so funny!! FUCK HE IS PLAYING THAT HORRENDOUS INSTRUMENT!!! I need to meditate. I have fantasies of smashing it. Of cutting the strings. Just swipe - there you go - bye bye. Oh dear - thanks for being here - I really needed this.

1 comment: