I am better today

I think. I am not wanting to drink and that is amazing. I got enough sleep and in my dreams I was drinking but I decided to go back to a.a. That seems like progress from my subconscious. I am crying but I think because I'm relieved and I'm opening up. I just prayed and meditated and had a healthy breakfast. Each time I am clenching down on my myself with judgements and negative thoughts I am releasing them. So I am releasing stuff every 5 seconds or so. Holy shit. So I am I getting a little better. Ugh - just as I wrote that sentence I had to stop myself from the vice grip my mind puts on my body. I went to the beach yesterday - heavenly. I wish for - want so badly in my heart and soul - a house on the beach. I love to swim - love the sunshine, the smells - the clouds and the air. I love sand and I adore being outside in the wind. I also love not wearing a lot of clothes. Well - so there you go. I'm not crying anymore. I will make it to the 5:30 meeting before work and hopefully I - no I will brave enough and loving enough of myself to share and open my mouth. Yes. My brother and sister-in-law's party was really fun and I am so gald I was there. I had a long talk with my Aunt about a cousin who is struggling. Okay - now I am crying again. It's so crazy - she has a baby and she's really in it right now - and it's sooo hard when you don't want to stop because you think it would be harder to. This has been such an intense year. I am glad I had a chance to write here today. I love you for being here. I feel something growing inside me - I'm not sure what it is but it feels wonderful. Something in my heart center. Okay - I will come back later and be mooore sentimental. Okay - it's okay. Thank you for my healing. Thank you for listening.