I'm so grateful

so so sooo very grateful. It's officially the 2nd so I am one day away from being one year sober. This is a real milestone for me in my life. There hasn't been very many genuine milestones - where it REALLY meant something to ME - to my soul and spirit. Not just a picture in a book. Like I graduated from college but I didn't care and it took me forever to do it and I didn't even do what I took forever to get a degree in. I got married but it didn't really mean anything - I WANTED it to and I wanted to escape my life and my feelings for someone else. This means something in my heart and I really want to enjoy it. My sister is coming to visit for the weekend and I took Friday night off from work. I bought a cute dress and my room is all clean. I cleaned out the closet and threw out all sorts of shoes and some clothes and things that make me feel badly when I look at them. I even cleaned out a little jewlery box that one of my other sisters gave me when I was her brides maid - it had an earing from my wedding day and some glitter that was on one of my ex-husbands costume pieces that some drag queen he was dating made for him. I WAS SO HAPPY TO THROW THOSE THINGS OUT!!!! Now the little box has buttons and a buddha in it. So much better. I don't have my rent quite for this month but I have some of it and you can be I'm going to figure out my money issues now - this year coming up - at least I hope to. I have no idea who I am - really. I feel like a kid again - ugh - I was going to cry and then I got that weird tickle in my nose up top which means it's a fake cry. EW - no fake cry that's forced - NO. I feel like a teenager or - maybe late teeens. Yes - that's it - late teens early twenties. And I would say that probably now more than ever I need to take it slow. So slow I shall take it. And be open and honest. How fucking hard is that? Well I'm really, really grateful because this is how I always wanted to live my life. Free from the added pressure of alcohol and drugs. It stopped me from being able to quietly listen and hear - the stillness in life. Wow - I am taking the sentimental road on this trip huh? Yeesh. I'm feeling better than I have in years and I suppose that I'm curious to see how I else I will grow and I am REALLY looking forward to more art. Hooray art!! That's part of why I wanted the closet cleaned out - costume pieces and shoes from art that I am not interested in. New canvas. I can carry inside of me whatever I need to still have. God Bless Cleaning. So when this weekend is over I will go back to working tons and finding a pool. I'm so filled with energy which my therapist said I - what does she say? I am not sure what to do with it. She is right and I have a bunch that has been lying in wait also. I am PACKED full of creative energy and PHYSICAL energy. What a relief. What a relief to be figuring out myself like this. Amen mother fuckers. I always loved the clor blue - it was my favorite color when I was little. A girl. I wore a cute girlie shirt tonight with blueberry grape looke things on it. It sounds horrendous but it's pretty. I'm glad I 'm getting back to blue and now I'm getting back to me. You know what else? Since I'm cleaning myself up and cleaning up the past - I'm finding it easier to forgive myself. Yup - not nearly as sad. Not as upsetting. How did I clean this keyboard for 5 minutes last night and now I see all these places I missed?? Yikes. Cartoonist? I could be one of those - for like a comic strip page. I know - random. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. That sounds forced. I appreciate you so much. Thank you thank you thank you for being here.