Uh oh

I am really starting to freak out. I mean I'm getting depressed and fast. I really am - it's scaring me. I worked all weekend - I'm even working tonight and I made not great money - AT all. Like horrible. SO I still owe him 50 for rent - 70 for 2 weeks of the carpet - 35 for this week carpet - my cell phone - my student loans. And it's the 13th alreay - the cell phone is due on the 19th and the student loan on the 20th. And now I'm going to work tongiht even and honestly I can't bare going there again and I don't think it will be that gret of a night. Ugh - this is awful. Had I not fucked up my checking account I would be a little better but not really. I took days off from work and I shouldn't have - why did I do that? Why do I try to do anything? I'm starting to beat myself up - I'm bitter and upset. Why did I take off for that party? Why do I not know how to take care of my self?? Is this just because I have PMS?? I feel like I'm going to get sucidal again. What the fuck? I'll never get out of here - never have a good job. holy fuck I'm freaking out. I'm really upset. And my therapist cancelled again today and I don't think she is going to be able to meet again any time soon. I called her today and she hasn't called back. I fell ugly and old and smelly. I wish I could sign up for the gym - but I have no money. It's going to take me months to even get back to "normal" and even be saving money again. Why do I even leavt the fucking house? And I could have made money on Saturday but the manager said I couldn't take this girl's section so I got a bad section and then - then I had NO one in mine which is exactly what I thought would happen. And then I worked the last show and guess what?? The door guy gave me people because he thought I was the other girl and thought she couldn't handle the tables. What the fuck is that? I feel like I'm about to have a nervous break down. I'm trying to tell myself that it will be okay - that the money will show up - I can eat - I can get around. But it's so depressing. I'm fucking almost 40 years old and I'm a loser waitress and I can't even make money because I work at a total shithole. I need a shower - it's so dirty there - then I eat badly when I'm there also. I just need to manage my money better that's all. Never take off from work - get a better job, have a better attitude - be a different person. And it sucks that I'm not in a realtionship and that I don't have kids. IT's sad. I feel hopeless and depressed. I feel very sorry for myself. And that is depressing.