A calm day today.

I slept a lot and the I - well I looked at pictures of my ex-husband performing with a bunch of people. He has a one man band but he brings people up onstage with him and they all have blood all over them and torn clothes and one lady (?? I can't tell if it's a guy) is all dressed in bondage gear - another guy staple guns money all over himself and other people and eats the ass of the bondage lady/man. At first when I was looking at the pictures I thought it was funny and I was like "oh well at least I can laugh at this" and THEN I noticed that he has my name still tattooed on his arm but with a line drawn through both names. Such a fuck you. Just a line tattooed through my name. I got upset and then - just - I don't know. Got upset. But I couldn't handle that world at all. It's so dark and it all made me so sick to my stomach. The darkness - the blood - ew - the drugs. The hard drugs I really couldn't handle - and the creepy sex - no. I really was so curious - I really was. I always had such a desire to see that kind of lifestyle - to be part of it somehow. But I didn't like it and I was dying quickly inside it. My therapist always says I love the edge and I do - however I love nice and cozy more. Look - it's his arm - he can do whatever he wants. And I looked at the pictures and I thought a long time ago that he had done that line crossing out thing - I just wasn't sure. And he is soooooo not well. WOW - he is sick. He is bloated and dirty and his teeth are yellow and now I don't want to talk about this anymore. Before I looked at those pictures I prayed and meditated and that felt fantastic. I realized last night (after having realized this years ago) that meditating and praying is how to keep my brain and my spirit clean. I think I get nervous when I start to feel better. Like I need to self destruct somehow. So then I go and look at pictures and find a way to feel badly. I guess I'm not going to change overnight. I can tell you this - I want to. I want to change overnight. Sitting quietly and moving around in my day and realizing the pain I have inside me is so uncomfortable. Creating chaos is an amazing way to avoid that feeling. But my belly likes the light more. Do you know what's strange? And I can't tell if I'm making this up or not but I don't know what my heart wants. I feel like i never really listen to it. It feels closed somehow. Have I written this before here? I feel detached from my heart and I feel like I have the ability to shut it down. Ha - this sounds like bullshit but maybe it isn't - I don't know. I would like to be more tuned into my heart on a daily basis. Grounded in my mind along with my heart. Yes. I need a shower - I've had this leave in conditioner in my hair since last night. Now it looks like I have homeless hair but it's really just super conditioned hair. LORD. All I need to do is stay sober and call some people and take a shower. That's it.