I'm lost but I think I'm going in the right direction.

How's that for a title huh?? Yes - I'm exhausted - awoken today by the piano - which my roomate plays very - mediocrely. He tries and for never having had lessons he is okay. Do I want to be awoken by it???? NEVER. I always say such - almost such awful things about people and then I try to save it a little bit like one day someone (like him for example) will read this and give a SHIT that they woke me up. He was like "Goooood Mooooorning!!!" all smiley when I saw him and I tried - I tried so hard to smile and then I saw his teeth and I just couldn't look at him anymore. It was like he wanted to upset me or - his teeth - they just upset me to see them. So I just said good morning and got out the door as fast as I could with the dog. Look I just don't have a title - I'm not anything and I don't want to be anything - except - write and read and watch movies and make people laugh. And color things and struggle. I must want to struggle because I do. I need to get POSITIVE and get KIND with myself. I really need to look at the positive. Maybe I should move my vision board. I really keep waiting for that big sign from the universe - the big arrow pointing THIS WAY!!! But I don't know - I guess - well I do know this. If I take care of myself, and keep taking care of myself and get gentle - things will change. Something will open up inside me. And I can put my rage here and leave it. Oh please help me blog to keep going in the right direction even though I can't see the way. It's like I'm in a blizzard or it's SO dark I can't see and my eyes won't adjust and I can't use my other senses because there are no other signs for my other senses to use. That's silly. Maybe I DO need to use my other senses. Interesting. Hmmm. I need to meditate and pray more. I really do. Okay - so here we go blue - be nice to myself, gentle and cozy and kind, read more in bed, write out a set - because someone said they would give me some stage time if I came up with a set and meditate and pray. Ugh - now I feel like - ugh - when do I worry, freak out and chew my face? Or what?? Why can't I let myself do these things? Because I need a husband and a baby stat???? I need to calm down. Waaaayyyy down. Whoa - yikes. Breathe. No panic - no. Yes breathe, yes. See we are getting positive already. I love you blue - you look amazingly calm and refreshed today.