It's 9/11

and for the first time in a long time - so many years - I wasn't even aware of this day comiug. It was so awful here when it happened and for the longest time I really thought that that was ended my comedy career. That 9/11 was when things stopped being funny to me. That the sadness and pain of life and the cruelty and harm people haveand do towards each other was so clear to me. It rocked me to my very core. HOWEVER - I was already a mess. I really was. Side note - I just took a big gulp of coffee and it's HOT!!! Holy cow. Anyway - back to talking about pain - I was already out of control with my life. Very lost - still hurt over my boyfriend leaving me and banging all these girls we knew - including my roomate at the time. Which at this moment seems kind of hilarious. Oh I was sleeping with him still also - oh - yup - on occasion I was. Anyway - I had started smoking pot again and had had plenty of examples of drinking not going well - AT ALL. Problem. I was out of control. I wanted to blame it on the girl I lived with and the fact that I was unable to meditate or deflate at home well. She was always there and a very dark presence it seemed. That being said - I was sleeping around, smoking pot, charging credit cards, paying rent LATE - all these awful behaviors. I'm so embarassed but it's true. And you know what - it's okay - it's really okay. I was hurting - badly. I was flailing and grasping and running. So no wonder I was so stopped by 9/11 - I was out of control. I just actually thought I had some control. This is depressing - I'm glad this is a secret, this blog. I have to say though as far as the physical part of putting my fingers tot he keys - I love it. It's like drawing with my colored pencils - the act of it is so soothing to me. I like to write on paper for the same reason. It just feels good to do this. And at some point - like right now - I need to forgive myself and forgive all my past. And what's so amazing now is that I have a program that helps me to not let all this hurt build up and HEAL all those wounds. I have had a big wound in me since I was a child and maybe even longer. And since I am so sensitive - alcohol and drugs on those wounds is like pouring acid on a cut. OUCH AND it doesn't help it to heal, it only keeps the wound open longer. My dog wants to go out and I need to get ready for work. Maybe at some point I will switch up this blog and post some pictures but for now I just like to write. I really am starting to want to perform again. I dreamed I was pregnant last night - like really pregnant. I felt the baby move in me and I was so excited to be pregnant. Of course the dream ended in a gunfight chase while someone was getting stabbed and the house set on fire. But I was happy to be pregnant!!! the guy who was getting stabbed was getting a lesson - a verbal lesson as to why he was being stabbed and how to do proper stabbing. The stabber stopped mid stabbing and gave the stabbee a very nice, calm lesson. Fantastic!!! Gotta go bro. Are you a boy blog?? I have no idea. Maybe no t- maybe you are a girl and a boy. Twinss!!