Sunday, April 15, 2012
Here it is.
This whole time I have been getting sober and especially lately I have been thinking - where the fuck is the freedom and joy? After this week I realized the freedom will come from me not having the same thought patterns I have had for so long. I don't have to think the way I have been. Lord I am at this moment so tired and I don't either want to be specific or feel like I can't. I can tell you this - I woke up annoyed and I thought "When was the last time I woke up happy? Or positive even?" Then I thought about my conversation with my sister yesterday and my heart lightened up - it really did. I felt love and light and - just love. Love for her - love for having someone in my life like that - sister or not. So I went to work last night and apologized to as many people as I could and was nice all night - even sort of nice to the creepy man. One door guy asked me if I was on ecstasy and then he kept saying in this really Brooklyn accent "Therapy is really working!!!!" I also thought on my way home "Yup - sometimes I'm a dick - sometimes I get angry and I'm a turd. That's right - I'm a human being and I'm working out GENERATIONS of rage and drunkenness." I didn't actually think that last line but it is quite poetic and PASSIONATE. And I believe it anyway. So - so there you go. Somehow this week despite how awful it was I feel like I untangled a big part of the tangle. I'm shaking - I need to walk the dog and eat something. Orange you glad I didn't say banana? Bye Bluebie!!!!
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