Okay I feel a lot better but

I'm still totally exhausted. That being said here's what helped. I went to therapy and I did my meeting and I took a shower and took a nap. I came home and cleaned and did laundry,changed my sheets and watched a movie. The cleaning really helps me. I have to have my room and bathroom clean - I just FEEL better. SO I also bought some magazines so I can make another vision board. I'm not going to go do that show tonight that I would normally do. I'm going to go to the art supply store and get a cork board, go grocery shopping, go to a meeting and come home and read magazines and do some art stuff and work on my vision board. Why do I feel guilty for doing that?? Jesus I'm so fucking tired. My therapist said that I'm so exhausted because I'm fighting all the time to stay sober at my job and that I'm working really REALLY hard. She also said I have to figure out why I won't let myself want what I want or do what I want to do. I feel so selfish and ridiculous for being so self centered. That poor woman reporter and women everywhere AND men that struggle with violence on a daily basis and I'm like "I don't let myself have my feelings waaaa." But that's not fair to me. I have to take care of myself and this is part of it. Last night I had a revelation while I was cleaning. Of course I'm so burnt out that I can't remember how I came to this revelation but here's what it was. That the only - fuck I can't totally remember it. Something about that I won't let myself have what I want (or even WANT what I want) because I REALLY don't think I deserve it. And that's bullshit. My therapist is always saying that I deserve whatever I want and that I'm a good person. I'm haunted by this woman reporter it's so awful. Life is so painful. I wonder if she wanted to be there? I would imagine yes right? Like a dream thing to be in the middle of history being made? But lord - ugh I can't write about it anymore I can only pray for her. I am so tired that it is unbelievable to me. Totally exhausted. I really hope this is going to change. Bye Blueberry - I will write more later.