I changed the name of this blog.

I will probably do it again. I feel like a teenager. One time when I was little I changed my name to Sunny. Did I already write about that here? I don't remember. I thought the blond chick from Bosom Buddies was so beautiful (the one who Tom Hanks character was in love with) and her name was Sunny. So I changed my name. I would write my name on cards as Sunny and always make my return address as Sunny. I have to be honest though I was like 10 when I did that. So I guess I'm more like a 10 year old. Ugh Christ - I was feeling so much better. I broke up with Amanda, did my hair and nails, went to the snake doctor and bought a huge, gorgeous plant. I'm hoping it will help to offset the cigarette smoke but also I love plants. LOVE them. I also asked the landlord (Tall Not So Dark And Creepy) about the cigarettes and he said the boys have been smoking out front. He was really nice about it. I actually had the thought last night when I was walking the dog that it seemed utterly insane that he would make them smoke out back even though it was really upsetting me. He has let me live here for over 4 years now. Why would he be so mean? And he wasn't. At all. I'm so glad I didn't take a shit on his pillow like I wanted to when I was really mad. I have poison thoughts. It's really hard to believe but it's true. Also after I spoke to Amanda she was so nice and receptive and grounded and I realized she's not a bad person she is just really sick and for whatever reason I haven't been able to help her. It's like my mind goes very quickly to the old crone lady snarling "I know what you're up to!!! You can't fool me!!! You are EVVVIIIILLLLL!!!! No one is gonna get MEEEEEEeeeEEEEeeee!!!" Jesus what a NOT optimistic attitude. The Snake doctor said to me yesterday to have fun and enjoy being me. And that I have zero chance at being anyone else so I might as well enjoy who I am. I had to really think about that. I kept thinking to myself that it was unbelievable that I would never be Angelina Jolie. Enjoy being me? Wow - I am trying to and I am open to that concept. But it's hard to enjoy being me when I think the world is against me and I want to take poops on peoples pillows and faces. But I have to be honest I have never seen that thought pattern in my mind before and wondered if it was inaccurate. I've always just kind of - okay - totally gone with it. So - huh. Well. Huh again. Okay well even though I changed the name of this you are still my Blueberry and I love you. I for sure don't want to poop on your face. :):):)