Okay Monday here it is.....

I don't think I want to do stand-up anymore - or at least not at all the way I used to do it or even the way I just have been doing it these last few months. I just want to have a healthy life and oh my fucking God I can NOT take this fucking cigarette smoke. Where the FUCK is it coming from?? I swear to Christ it is the worst. I just read the saddest blog about someone who's cat is very sick and dying and it made me cry so hard and now I'm all discombobulated. I get so fucked up from the smoke also though. And how is it so omnipresent? It's like someone is smoking 24 hours a day. It never lets up. It's not as bad now that they don't smoke under the window but it's still coming in here and especially when I am sitting here at my desk - I can smell it. Which means to me I am also smoking it. I need to pray and meditate and shower. I will feel better after that. I also okay calm down, calm down. I just want it to stop and it's not going to so I need to accept it and accept that I'm upset about it and just breathe. The window is open and the fan is on. I saw Soft Hugger last night with another woman. I didn't see him and he pretended to punch me in the stomach and it totally scared the shit out of me. She looked a little freaked out also - hilarious. I went to a show and wrote with my cousin yesterday and that was all awesome. I have "homework' writing to do and then we are going to write again tomorrow night. I have to say now that I wrote that about stand-up I have changed my mind. I just need ugh okay how do I say this in a positive way? I can't. I don't want to pay to perform or sit aroound some shitty place, pay for shitty food and be uncomfortable. See - that's negative. I either want to get paid or have it be such an awesome show that it doesn't matter. Well -okay - good. Then I need to audition some places and more than THAT I need to WRITE!!!. Yes - write. And I have the time. I sure do. I could have gone to sleep earier - okay wait - let's at least make this positive. I can go to sleep earlier and set aside 1 hour to just write my comedy. I can set aside another hour (the one I reserve to look up pictures of Nicole Kidman or whoever else I'm mometarily obssesed with) to write other things, like songs or my novel. Haha I said novel. Why the FUCK NOT??? I'm really aggressive today. PMS times cigarette smoke divided by sexual frustration plus stress equals aggression. Okaaaayyyy. Yikes Blueberry - Yikes. p.s. I got so inspired by a C.S. Lewis quote yesterday on the subway. It made me realize how much I love writing and words. THe magic of words. Here it is...."The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing.... to find the place where all the beauty came from." It's indeed a longer quote but that's what was on the subway. Love.