Taking a minute to try to breathe....

Wow that is a dramatic title.  I am overwhelmed and of course I haven't been to enough meetings.  It didn't occur to me until this morning after I meditated that when it gets rough I don't need LESS meetings and program - I need more.  I am so uncomfortable.  My aunt passed away and I had to go to my mom's hometown and I only got to one meeting there and I was around a ton of drinking.  I let my alanon sponsor go and I haven't been there for 2 weeks or wow it's almost 3 actually.  I also am in this play that is so challenging.  It is hard work - seriously and it needs the hard work but holy fuck - WOW.  Also they are all crazy makers - well not the writer but - ugh listen I know I'm a crazy maker too - but not if I go to my meetings and take care of myself.  That's the crazy thing - how it really is the easier softer way.  But God it's so much work and I just couldn't figure out how to do it with the crazy week I had of shows, rehearsals and everything else - travel and a huge family.  But I have heard people say that for years...."I couldn't go to meetings because I am too busy...family...whatever..." then they are bonkers and right now I am bonkers.  I have therapy today and then my meeting tonight.  I was a bitch at rehearsal yesterday.  The other actress doesn't know her lines but also I don't know mine perfectly.  I was annoyed about the train going by and it was early in the morning and I didn't have time to meditate.  I was just MAD.  When I don't go to my meetings and have time to take care of myself I get this awful, dry, angry, uncomfortable feeling that nothing can make feel better.  It's how I felt for 3 years in my early sobriety.  God it's a horrible feeling.  Like an itch I can't scratch.  I am also heartbroken about my aunt.  God she was a wonderful person and it happened so quickly.  It's almost the anniversary of my dad dying and it was his birthday last weekend.  I'm also just sad but honestly it's the being dry thing.  How the fuck am I going to do this?  I mean be busy and still have a program?  Good question I guess. I managed to get to one meeting - I could have gotten to 2.  Or 3 even.  I'm not sure how I could have gotten to one yesterday but I suppose I really could have.  I could have gone to a meeting and changed the podcast to another time.  I felt better today after I meditated - I really did.  Now it feels like I am just beating myself up and that's not helpful.  Okay I need to get ready now to go to therapy.  I am just a little raw and overstimulated plus on edge and grieving.  I am still recovering also from cancer treatment.  I do feel so much better but I am not 100% yet.  Also I am allowed to have my feelings.  I am allowed to be annoyed and upset that people are selfish and - I don't know - imperfect.  Okay I have to go.  I wanted this to be more uplifting haha or at least slightly positive.  I will feel better tomorrow an dI will write more then.  I have been doing good work though and that is such a gift and I am doing tons of what I love.  Namaste motherfuckers Namaste.