Tuesday, June 18, 2019

Alcoholism - The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Haha - that made me laugh.  It's so crazy how my life is better because I admitted defeat to a disease I could never win with.  WHAT?  I admitted defeat to a war I could never win.  I surrendered.  Now my life is better and right now at this moment as I write this I realize I have to surrender to my alcoholic thoughts, tendencies and perceptions - ALL THE TIME or I will lose.  Even if I am not drinking.  God that's so fucking annoying.  The crazy part is that the tools of the program and everything we do to stay sober are wonderful things. I love doing these things!  I guess until I feel backed up to a wall and then I don't.  Or - or what is it?  A really strong character defect is being challenged and perhaps on the verge of being eradicated.  Well - that doesn't make it anymore comfortable but it makes it infinitely less - fuck I don't know what I was writing I got distracted.  MaybeI was going to say less painful because it does do that.  I am uncomfortable but I am not in pain per se.  I spoke to my sponsor this morning and she said this also - which was also  uncomfortable to hear but she said "Either commit to doing this, accept that it's not how you would have liked it to be or don't do it."  Boom.  Mic drop.  That's where I was stuck.  I was just dragging my feet like a fucking DONKEY.  I must have been a donkey in another life.  I would be amazing as a donkey.  Just being like "Yeah I know I said I would but I changed MY FUCKING DONKEY MIND and now I do not want to do it so I am just getting to stand here and NOT MOVE AT ALL."  Okay so what's my point?  That this is harder than I wanted it to be but - BUT - here's what I have learned from comedy.....sometimes I get to a show and it's not very many people and they suuuuuck - for whatever reason - either they are quiet, or angry or both haha.  Or whatever - right?  I learned to still do my best.  I try my best, do my jokes, don't take it out on them , stay as present as possible - I do the work the best I can.  And that's what I am going to do with this - that's it.  Sometimes it's more work that others - what can you do?  What can I do? I don't know why but that's just how it seems.  I mean - ugh I forgot what I was going to say again.   Oh I know - I guess this felt more frustrating because it took up A LOT of time versus one 10 minute set.  however that's not that simple either, there's a trip involved, driving - I mean nothing is ever super, duper easy.  It's why people decide not to do this stuff.  Holy fucking Fuck this has been such an intense learning - thing.  My mind is all over the place today.  I am just going to do my best.  FUCK.  Great.  Yay!  Haha.  Byeeeee.

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