The Double-Edged Sword Of Arrogance

Did I spell edged correctly?  I guess so.  It never underlines the title when it's spelled incorrectly like it does the words spelled incorrectly in the body of the blog.  Woof.  Anyway.  So I a still having a hard time with this play blah blah blah.  This is what I realized this morning while praying and meditating.  I finally gave up trying to control alcohol right?  I surrendered - realized I can't have it ever unless I want it be my master and kill me.  Okay.  Sobering on many levels!  Now - now I have this other thing my alanon stuff that is trying to kill me.  I sat here thinking so many times in the last couple of weeks "I knew this guy was difficult and I just did the show anyway and if I had just not done it I wouldn't be here right now."  Okay yes but also - this was going to happen another time - show business people and all people are difficult.  This is what really helped - ready?  This is a little bonkers but last night we were watching Big Little Lies right?  Nicole Kidman's character is at the therapist and saying how she could have done something to not let her husband get pushed down the stairs or I don't know - that part I don't really remember BUT this is the part - the therapist says wow even in death the message is still the same - that you are responsible for your husband's horrible abusive behavior.  WOWOOWOWOWOW.  It just made me realize that I kept thinking I could have changed this all somehow but I couldn't have but more than that I didn't and it doesn't matter because that's how things go.  Work is work and sometimes it's difficult.  That's life!  I am not saying this guy is an abusive monster that I am working with - I am saying that I have 1. Felt like a victim of him and his craziness and 2. Thought I had some sort of power or control over it which I DONT.  Arrogance.  The alanonic arrogance.  That I can somehow make anyone or anything different other than myself.  I'm not in charge.  UGH.  But also - okay!  Relief.  Here's the other thing I learned this year from my sponsor - we are all waking hand in hand side by side right?  Equals.  So if someone else is unwell or whatever I don't know - got STUFF let's say - all I need to do is take car of myself and do my job whatever it is and respect their path.  If I can help I will but I don't need to hurt myself, judge them or most importantly - fix it or I don't know what - take it on or think ITS ABOUT ME.  Gross.  Lessons.  Not gross.  I just also am hormonal and it makes all of this more difficult.  Less - light.  Loose.  I am going to get ready and go to alanon.  Love you Bluebie bye.