Saturday, October 30, 2010

Oh dear

I'm upset all of a sudden. Or I'm just upset right now for this particular reason I'm going to talk about. What the fuck am I doing? Seriously - what the fuck am I doing? I'm so not doing anything for comedy, acting or living. I'm suddenly completely frustrated and do you know what I was obsessing about before?? Making enough money tonight to buy fucking boots that I don't even know if they will look good on me AND they are $200.00. Am I fucking kidding me?? Fuck - I'm jealous and confused of people who are living and performing and OUT THERE. Christ. I got so mad at work last night that I called the bartender an asshole. I was like - "You know what? You're an asshole - fuck you." Then I found out he had a baby earlier in the day. How the fuck was I supposed to know that?? Then he said sorry later (because he ate my table's pizza and that's what started everything) and then I started crying and he showed me a video of the baby and she's beautiful. And I'm jealous that he gets to have a baby. Ugh - I'm lonely. And I have to be honest (not that you are asking me to be) - I am worried I am going to be lonely and alone for a long, long time - like forever. That maybe my dreams won't be realized and that the highlight of my week and weekends will consist of me buying things or making enough money to eat what I want for the week. I need my power back. Sometimes I confuse desperation and aggression with power. Inside of myself. I really do. I think because I'm going fast and pushing and all FAST I think I'm in my power or in some way going to 'get what I want.' I believe that real power is not aggression based. I'm already tired. You are an amazing listener Blueberry. Bye bye for now.

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