Holy SHIT

I went to Jury Duty and I have to go back Thursday and see if they need me for a trial that will be a long one. That sounded vague. I will go and see Thursday and until then I am going to try to enjoy my days off and get my shit together. Here's what I learned today while in sobriety, healing and growing up. The first is that it isn't always fun to do the right thing nor is it exciting or even interesting. It is however a thousand times better than the alternative which makes me sick. I was grumpy today and things didn't particularly work out how I wanted them to but it was so much better than being wasted or even just hiding. I went and got a gelato cone - my favorite flavor which is malted milk ball - and guess what? NOT A SINGLE MOTHER FUCKING MALTED BALL. Not ONE!!!! I couldn't believe it. I kept eating the cone thinking it would be so funny if there was only one and I got down tot he bottom and NOT ONE. What was I going to do - ask for another cone? The girl told me she was new and the manager looked like she was in trouble from the owner - or something like that - and I just decided it was still delicious anyway. And it was. I went to therapy and that was so great and after therapy I went and got DVDs of me performing from years ago. WOW. Not as awful as I thought and in fact - I can be present and as a DOUBLE fact I'm not as shy as I thought I was!!!!!!! Guess what else?? I'm always a little bit dishonest - a liiiiittttle bit not quite totally telling the truth because I'm afraid of it. Afraid that I won't get what I want if I don't manipulate the truth to be how I want it to be or how I think it should be. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE ARE DISHONEST AND IT'S SUCH A TURN OFF. So what the fuck - WHO cares?? Who cares what the truth is - it is what it is. All these things seem so profound to me and then I start writing on here and I get embarrassed. Of course honesty is the best and most interesting thing but it is also really hard to get to for me sometimes. I just don't want to do the extra effort of really getting down with the truth. I want to float at the top all up in my head and be all bull shitty. Well fucking BARF. I can't KNOW that and then do it - right? All of this stuff that is coming out of me - I'm detoxing. I'm detoxing from bad food now and I'm detoxing from all this emotional CRAP that I have been carrying around with me. All these negative thoughts, ideas and weights. Just weights and bags full of garbage. Wow. I feel like I am going through withdrawals again - it's so crazy. I really do. I need to be nice to myself - really, really nice to myself. These really feels like I am breaking off a layer around myself. A crusty, rusty, STIFF and gross shell. WEIIIRRRDDDD. I need a good night's sleep. Thank you for being here Blueberries and Dreams. Maybe I can really dream again. Talk to you tomorrow!!!