How do I say this?

I'm not sure all I want to express - let's start with the most shallow thing first. I am upset that no one reads my secret blog that I don't tell anyone about. It's completely ridiculous and I'm guessing it's a positive sign that I want people to read this. That being said I'm still not telling anyone about it but I will continue to be annoyed that no one is paying attention to it. The second thing which is much less shallow/ridiculous but it seems - so odd. I feel so saddened by Greg Giraldo's death and so creatively inspired comedy wise also. I am so fucking inspired again - ugh am I?? That's the kind of comic and the kind of performer I wanted to be. The one that he was. I guess - is. His work lives on. I am ABSOLUTELY inspired to stay sober and to keep getting more sober. I feel so badly for him and his kids and mostly for HIM. He must have been in so much pain in order to either try to commit suicide or to be - using. I'm hoping he didn't suffer too much but if he was using - he was struggling emotionally - ugh - physically - in every way. I feel like a dick - I never really new him - I just know that life is precious and there is nothing like drugs and alcohol to make you feel the exact opposite. Or like life is a gift but maybe not yours. And I LOVED comedy and I LOVE the way he wrote and performed. I just never really was exposed to him until now. For the last few months when I would write in my journal and I would write down the date - I would write 10 for the month. SO many times. And I was like - why do I keep writing October?? Something is going to happen in October. Maybe my energy will be lifted in October. My spigot will open. My gush of creativity will pour forth. Maybe I will finally look to the future and stop staring at the past that I can do nothing about. Look towards what I want to be be - what excites me - thrills me - OPENS MY HEART UP WIDE. Do I sound like a a-hole?? Who cares - no one is reading this!! But I'm writing it and I'm so grateful for that. Happy October Blueberry Blog.