NO doesn't love me.

So there you go - or he's not that into me.  He's stressed out - sad or whatever - I'm not even kidding you - before anything has even begun - I already feel sorry for him.  So there you go that's not happening at all.  Unreal.  Why is it unreal?  I'm so fucking tired and I gave myself a horrible rash trying to get rid of this skin fungus.  I'm up early to go to work brunch again - horrifying.  I worked brunch yesterday and then I went and did a show.  The show was fun - I was myself so it was funny but it was also - ugh - I'm such a mess.  Oh well.  Anyway - so on the way home the train was super crowded - it was unreal actually so I was uncomfortable and I felt sorry for myself.  I was thinking how sad I am I'm not dating anyone, I never go on vacations, I haven't been taken out in forever - and how I'm so unhappy because no one loves me - blah, blah, blech.  Then it occurred to me that if I want to feel good and have nice experiences, and not work so much and so hard that I'm miserable then I need to be responsible for that.  It sort of stopped my misery thinking in its tracks.  I mean - I had to really take that in.  I feel the same way I felt after I read that book  "He's Just Not That Into You."  There is such a freedom in being responsible for my own care on every level buy UGH - there is still that babyish part of me that just wants someone to SAVE me already.  But then I hate them.  Ugh - so fucking annoying.  Now I'm not going to have a day off till next Saturday and then I'm filming something which is so wonderful but I'm about to break down.  I mean - so I guess I have to think about this.  I want romance in my life but my legs are so hairy.  I said bye to NO last night as I was leaving work and he said bye but I just couldn't turn around and look at him.  Am I a pussy - I don't know - I just - ugh - sadness.  Total sadness.  I think I just have to accept I'm meant to be alone.  I don't know - I really don't.  I love you Bluebie - off to serve so much coffee and eggs.