Sexy torture.....

and not in the s&m (S&M?) kind of way.  I spent time with him last night and it was fun - he's funny - we wrote - it was enjoyable.  He walked me home and I didn't let him inside even though I REALLY wanted to.  I found myself getting jealous - the same way I used to with other men.  Looking at these other women who have something I don't have that he might like better.  Isn't that so sad and awful?  It's so unkind to myself.  Today - on the way to work - all the pretty, dark haired, or blonde straight haired, young women with lip gloss - all of them - I was like - "Oh - oh there she is - that's for him."  WHAT THE SERIOUS FUCK IS THAT?  Okay - what I really think is happening is that I need to let this up and out - I need to iron it out.  It has so much to do with self-acceptance and kindness towards my self.  He was so sweet to me and he was so nice about leaving.  He did ask me 25 times if I was sure I wanted him to but still - he left and was not - mean.  Sweet - he was sweet.  I'm incredible uncomfortable.  I think I should just become someone else and then this will all be fine.  BUT I LIKE ME NOW.  Holy fuck - this is really hard.  REALLY HARD.  He's so hot - he's really sexy - that was not EASY AT ALL to send him away.  When am I going to start laughing - I'm nuts.  Why do I suddenly care about other women?  It seems like it's about something else.  Okay - Bluebie - I love you.  Don't worry - there will be plenty more low-key emotional drama involving only myself.  CHRIST!  Bye - love you. ps Did I mention I have PMS??  Yes!! YES!!!!  FUCK YES!!!!