Sunday, December 9, 2012
Who wants to be rigorously honest? Do normal people even want to do that? I doubt it - it's fucking impossible. This guy wants to have sex with me and see me more and now I feel like - it's out of control. It's not but I want to do what he wants out of fear and I'm not sure what I want. He is totally funny and he flirted with me allll night last night at work and that was so much fun. We took a cab home and while we were making out he said "When can I do this outside of a cab?" Here's the thing.....he also flirts with other girls - as I do guys and normally I would have gotten bat shit crazy jealous - insane - not to mention looking on facebook at any woman on his page - blah, blah blah. But because I'm taking care of myself - that didn't happen. This one girl even said to him in front of me - "Oh I want him to lick my left nipple." Um - what? I just laughed - it was so ridiculous - and he's cute! I want him to lick MY left nipple. I just think if I have sex with him - I will loose it and I really don't want that to be true but I know it is - at least for now. I'm afraid if I don't sleep with him then he will move on to left nipple girl or anyone else. What have I learned so far being sober about acting out of guilt? Let's start with that. Disaster - never EVER has worked out. Before I was sober or after. So now - now I want to act out of fear. As I write this I'm actually thinking to myself - "Yes - yes - act out of the fear - listen to that." FUCK. It was so FUN making out with him! WOW. Totally totally fun. Why are men so fucking aggressive? He was sweet when I said can you be patient but jeez - they act like the world is going to end. Maybe it is? I just wasn't ready and I have no idea what I'm doing but I don't want to do it from a fear based place. I deserve better than that. It's so confusing because he also - just isn't boyfriend material I don't think. I'm so sad and uncomfortable to write that. So I feel a tangle here. A real tangle. Haha. I did wake up this morning and think that more needs to be ironed out. And I do not WANT a boyfriend. I don't. I do feel better though. It's definitely more fun having face on my face. What? That is so not romantic. Bye Bluebie - love you.