Sunday, December 9, 2012

Rigorous Honesty.

Who wants to be rigorously honest?  Do normal people even want to do that?  I doubt it - it's fucking impossible.  This guy wants to have sex with me and see me more and now I feel like - it's out of control.  It's not but I want to do what he wants out of fear and I'm not sure what I want.  He is totally funny and he flirted with me allll night last night at work and that was so much fun.  We took a cab home and while we were making out he said "When can I do this outside of a cab?"  Here's the thing.....he also flirts with other girls - as I do guys and normally I would have gotten bat shit crazy jealous - insane - not to mention looking on facebook at any woman on his page - blah, blah blah.  But because I'm taking care of myself - that didn't happen.  This one girl even said to him in front of me - "Oh I want him to lick my left nipple."  Um - what?  I just laughed - it was so ridiculous - and he's cute!  I want him to lick MY left nipple.  I just think if I have sex with him - I will loose it and I really don't want that to be true but I know it is - at least for now.  I'm afraid if I don't sleep with him then he will move on to left nipple girl or anyone else.  What have I learned so far being sober about acting out of guilt?  Let's start with that.  Disaster - never EVER has worked out.  Before I was sober or after.  So now - now I want to act out of fear.  As I write this I'm actually thinking to myself - "Yes - yes - act out of the fear - listen to that."  FUCK.  It was so FUN making out with him!  WOW.  Totally totally fun.  Why are men so fucking aggressive?  He was sweet when I said can you be patient but jeez - they act like the world is going to end.  Maybe it is?  I just wasn't ready and I have no idea what I'm doing but I don't want to do it from a fear based place.  I deserve better than that.  It's so confusing because he also - just isn't boyfriend material I don't think.  I'm so sad and uncomfortable to write that.  So I feel a tangle here.  A real tangle.  Haha.  I did wake up this morning and think that more needs to be ironed out.  And I do not WANT a boyfriend.  I don't.  I do feel better though.  It's definitely more fun having face on my face.  What?  That is so not romantic.  Bye Bluebie - love you.

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