I was so sad today....

it's so crazy. I just never thought she would die and I certainly never thought I would be so sad. Ugh emotions are so difficult to deal with. My emotions are so difficult to deal with. We went to another meeting today and it wasn't as great but it was still good. It was kind of cold and we left ten minutes early but we went!! My sister is so into the program and she doesn't even need it. Or she's not an alcoholic I should say. I think everyone could use the program. Anyway we all went to my brother's house for dinner tonight and it is so heartbreaking to see my grandfather without her. Thank God we went to those meetings or I really don't know if I would be able to handle how I feel. I had 3 sodas, a mini candy bar, one Reece's peanut butter cup, spaghetti and a salad. I had a big bowl of salad. Hahahhahaaa - I'm not even laughing at that. I guess I just needed to eat all of that stuff. I'm so tired. My other sisters start arriving tomorrow night and we need to go get clothes for the wake and the funeral. I wish I could write about all I see all the time. My brother doesn't live on a farm but you have to drive by a bunch of farm land to get to his house and it is so pretty. Such a picturesque ride. I felt like I was on a tour bus on our way there. I've been there a ton of times but today I was just struck by the beauty of the land. Plus it did used to smell for part of the trip but whatever farm that was is gone now (I'm not sure if that is good or not) and so now it just is beautiful land and fresh smells. I brought my dog and she watched Happy Gilmore with us. Hilarious. She is staring at me right now.......just perched on some pillows staring at me and wagging her tail when I look at her. She's so fucking sweet. I'm going to lay down. Maybe do some yoga......Goodnight Blueberry.....