I have no idea.

Isn't it good that I have no idea? The Tao says that it's easier to teach a man who doesn't know and I do not know anything. This is a slow slow slooowwww process and Her Lady Wonder said that sometimes it's not and that makes sense to me and for some horrible reason this is slow right now. I am really freaked out about this lump. I called the clinic and they said to just come in - walk in and then if the doctor needs to refer me they will. Okay so I feel like I should try to get free health insurance before this. Why? SO if it's cancer I can go through chemotherapy? I don't think that I can handle that. And if I desperately try to do anything it never works. I just need to go to the doctor on Monday and find out what the fuck it is. I think it might have shrank a little and now it hurts from me squeezing it. So maybe the Castor oil is working. What the fuck? I need to pray and meditate. I need to do the Castor oil and I need to go to a meeting. This book is now talking about how 12 step programs aren't necessary and that when you are an addict you become addicted to meetings instead of the substance. Jesus. I wanted this book to really help me but maybe now I won't even be able to finish reading it. Well I can take from it what I need. I asked the girl who introduced me to the doctor how she stopped drinking, she told me, and then she said she had a glass of wine last night. Ohhhhh that's how she stopped drinking - she didn't. I can pay my rent today. That is so great. What isn't great is that they keep storing stuff outside my bedroom door by the ladder to the roof. Um - really who cares? I mean they do douchey disrespectful things and I know that. Here's the thing it's not my room it's outside my room and now that I have made certain boundaries clear they won't do things INSIDE my room. I'm not kidding they would have put that stuff in my room and done God knows what else a couple of years ago. Okay so if I didn't drink the soda water I could save more money. Soda in general. I have cut back on Starbucks but if I completely cut it out. I need another job. Some other way to save money. I need a new job. I want to move and I want a new job. Same thing I always say and meanwhile I'm not doing what I wanted to do to begin with. Tortured. Sort of. Okay I just need to take care of this day. I just need to do what I can do today to be okay and to not drink, take drugs or eat a buffalo fried in bacon fat. With cheese and sauteed onions plus bbq sauce and cheddar. And a gallon of coca-cola with a grape soda chaser. Shiiiieeeetttttt!!