Tuesday, April 12, 2011

It's raining and I'm starting to fall.

Why the fuck is it so painful to be sober and alive? The fact that I can even complain about being in pain via a computer is such a luxury it's ridiculous. I did the shoot today and maybe I have just had not enough sleep and - I don't know. I'm so tired and uncomfortable and I didn't eat enough before the shoot. All I had was an apple and I still was hungry and I needed more food. It is such a distraction hunger. So then by the time I could have food I went someplace I didn't really want to go to but I did manage to control myself and not order too much. I just need a good nights sleep. I really do. I just am so lonely. There were cute guys there - one was flaming gay but I was so attracted to him and the other one is just not interested in me and it's so depressing. I went to my meeting and on the way I so a man from the meeting and he bought me a water. Ha - that was so nice - very sweet. I also saw Christie Brinkley on the way outside of chicago. I pretended to take pictures of her with my phone so I could get in the paparazzi photos. She really is gorgeous. I told 2 people and they could have cared LESS and one guy didn't even know who she was. Christ. I feel so fucking gross and now I am so stressed about this fucking trip and I have to be honest I don't love filming. What the fuck? I'm an ACTRESS for fucks sake. I'm a funny PERSON. Really? Is that what's wrong with me? I feel fat and I am uncomfortable with my body and I WANT a guy to like me and I'm not getting what I want. I know for a fact that that is the truth. And for some stupid reason Icare what this guy thinks and I know he isn't seeing me for who I am and he doesn't think I'm that great. I HATE THAT. What's even more ridiculous is I don't know that. I really don't. It's none of my business and - ugh - it's just not my time. It's so lonely. I'm lonely and horny. REALLY horny. REALLY lonely. I actually crave human companionship.....that almost never happens with me. I'm changing. I have to leave myself alone now - bye.

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