Wednesday, April 13, 2011

What a fucking nightmare.

How many times am I going to write that? Do you know that the only time in my life I actually felt in my own power were 2 times? That's right I said the only time and mentioned 2 times. Well you know what else? I'm doing laundry and the washing machine is freaking out!!! I LOVE IT!!! Ohhhh - ohhh - well now I don't. 1 time was after my first year of college I finally felt myself and became sort of a hippie and I felt free and so happy. I didn't care about meeting a guy and of course that's when I met the love of my life who is now dead. 2nd time was when I started doing comedy and kept doing comedy for 3 years until 9/11. I'm so stressed out and fat. I got fat again. I stopped drinking soda and - fucking a. I ate bread twice today. I am freaked out about this stupid fucking trip - and a little excited but I broke out - total break out face and I also - for fucks sake I got so upset that I cried. Not about the trip but about NO ONE LIKES ME. I mean guys and by guys I mean the 2 guys who I want at this moment to like me. Sweet Fingers is SO not interested. I tried flirting with him and it fell so flat. Plus someone came and took pictures at the video shoot and I look so ugly. I look weirdly fat and just - evil kind of. I have this dark, crazy look in my eye. I started to look better and I just self destructed. I guess - I don't know - I'm so upset. This spandex wearing giant ball sacked weirdo talked to me tonight and it was so fucking creepy. He told me - ugh - who cares what he told me - he was GROSS. My shoulders are so tense - I want to drink. This is exactly what I would drink over. I'm old,fat and my dreams are dead. It's pointless. Seriously - it's not getting any better. Why am I writing this? What the fuck is the point? I wouldn't even care if I was fat and old if I had A LIFE - or if I was funny - which I don't feel like at all. Why the fuck am I here? This stupid fucking book I'm reading says we ponder life when we aren't present. I'm so fucking tired I'm shaking. Someone was trying to access my facebook page - how weird is that? Why - so they can see fat, ugly, tired photos of me? I thought I would feel better and I don't. I thought I would - I could help myself - what?? I am so fucking sexually frustrated it's almost insane. Christ all fucking mighty I'm so tense. I seriously wish I never met that fucking asshole 8 years ago. What? I need to sleep I'm losing my shit completely. I am going to miss my dog so much. I have to rest.

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