Oh ugh.

I woke up so early - the cigarette smoke from the super - I guess I also slept enough.  I woke up upset thinking how - I don't know - I guess I feel victimized by this but why?  It's not working out that's all.  He wanted to stay at work last night and drink.  So he had been in Jersey for days, hadn't tried to reach me once and then wanted to stay at work and drink.  Um - what?  Why am I writing this?  I'm mad and I feel stupid and what the fuck?  It's like I'm so desperate for scraps - for anything.  It's so fucking awful - it was so loving at first - so sweet and loving and - ugh - whatever.  And then he showed up high for one of our first dates.  Um - our first date?  Then a week later got so wasted at the Christmas party he lost his new laptop.  Then a whole bunch of other things.  Then I was so unhappy and crazy.  He doesn't want me to be crazy but the love wasn't growing and - why am I so fucking mad and upset?  How do people do this?  Just break up with people and have nothing to do instead??  He was laughing when I left last night.  Standing there with my boss waiting to get  high.  I said I didn't want to take the subway alone hoping he would leave with me and he was like - don't do that - I will give you money so you can take a cab.  Did he give me money?  No - no he did not.  I almost laughed for a second.  I fucking hate him right now and I want him to get his shit out of my apartment.  He seemed like he could really care less.  I'm apparently angry - I suppose this will change - I hope it will change.  Fuck.