Well....

I had a weird feeling about the guy and this girl at work - something was in cahoots you know and finally I overheard something again and I asked about it and - okay in all fairness I shouldn't say cahoots - just - something.  It gave me a REALLY bad feeling in my stomach.  So I asked and he was going to go build her a dresser.  Um - what?  He said he wouldn't do it if it would upset me so much but - oh my God - I'm not even really being honest because I feel like one day he might read this blog.  How fucking ridiculous is that?  He's never going to read it.  He said it didn't mean anything and - the weird thing is - I really couldn't tell if she asked him to or if he offered and then was pushing it.  He said he sent her a message on Wednesday and offered to do it that day and never heard from her and then let it go.  I was like "How would you feel if some gorgeous hot guy came over here and built me a dresser?"  What the fuck?  And he never said anything to me.  So it was nice that he said he wouldn't if it would upset me.  But - what the fuck.  I already said that.  I just - I'm - I don't know.  How am I supposed to take care of myself in this?  We spoke a long time last night again about him leaving and - now I have my period and I'm so exhausted from this weekend it's insane.  I mean I am so tired.  I'm home and I just ordered Chinese food.  My sponsor said I should pray for clarity about my feelings for him.  He was so nice last night and this morning.  He is nice.  I just don't know why I couldn't just say last night - let's just forget it now.  I said he was shady and he got really upset.  He said that wasn't okay and it implied he was doing something on purpose about the dresser - this fucking dresser - and that that wasn't true.  So okay.  He held me all night long - in like a death grip.  I have been STARVED for affection.  And he laughs at me.  I mean but I have been STARVED for physical contact.  What would I tell someone else?  I would say he was pushing the envelope - that's all.  When I looked over last night as I was overhearing what they were talking about - she was stretching her boobs out - like arching her back and sticking her boobs out towards him and that creepy door guy I always have trouble with - haha.  Wow - seriously?  Well anyway - I stood up for myself and I guess I'm still in the same boat.  Tortured sort of mostly by this with moments of sweetness and overall I'm working my program like a mother fucker.  That I am doing.  And you know what?  My gut was right - I was right that something wasn't cool.  Um - what?  That's weird?  The guy who smokes pot, drinks, smokes cigarettes, has an ex-wife, a ten year old AND a slutty ex-girlfriend isn't just PERFECT?  So confusing.  He is really nice though.  SOMEONE ELSE CAN BUILD HER FUCKING DRESSER.  LIKE HER.  This can't be good.  I just want this to end good - and I want him to love me and make me feel good.  What?  Suck my dick Sunday.  Fucking fuck.