Dose of reality. Honesty?

What's the difference? I'm at work and I'm better today.  I thought and thought on my way to work.....it's raining so it's that weird quiet of the rain and I realized 2 things.  ONE.  I'm free to do whatever I want and I don't have to ever work at that job again (I will - I will work there till I get another job) and I don't ever have to see the guy again - I'm free - I'm truly free to do as I please - I am not trapped.  TWO.  I TOLD him that I knew he was leaving and I wanted a practice relationship - that it was okay - that's what I wanted.  UM - WHAT?  WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?  How did I forget I said that?  I was a jerk to him and I wanted to make up to him and I wanted to get back on solid ground with him  (WHAT SOLID GROUND?) and so I said what I thought would make him stay.  Of course he stayed and stays - even though he isn't completely there.  I cook him food, I'm fun, I have sex with him - we watch movies and laugh - UM - WHO WOULDN'T do that until they decided to move??  Look - I have thought of this blog as a partial science experiment - seeing - and actually recording what is happening to me while I struggle to get sober and get functional in life and if I'm not honest right now - then I'm not doing that.  And I sold myself short and said I wanted something small when that wasn't true.  I don't want a fucking practice relationship - I want a real relationship with a fucking MAN.  Ugh - Jesus.  Okay - so now I have to take responsibility for the fact that he is and has been giving me exactly what I said I wanted.  I suppose the fact that he isn't a complete dirtball is a miracle.  Okay - so I just was trying to fix something that couldn't be fixed by trying to trick him into loving me by saying I only wanted a little bit of him.  Gross.  Do you know what I realized yesterday?  I don't actually believe a MAN could love me.  I don't.  I do not believe that a real man - someone capable of being a grown-up and being amazing and awesome could actually love me.  How's that for data for a science experiment?  MY LOVE IS A SCIENCE EXPERIMENT.  What the fuck is THAT?  Well - there you go.  But I'm so mad at him and it's not fair.  I mean it is but it isn't.  Fucking fuckhole.  Well - alright - at least I got to some reality - some honesty some responsibility.  What?  Fart noggin.  Love you Bluebie.