Who wants to deal with this?

I don't - ugh - I don't mean that totally and in fact I'm writing right now because something good happened.  Here's what it is.  I just worked from 10 in the morning until 3 a.m. in the morning.  Worked my ass off I did.  I still went to a meeting and got so sick to my stomach during it and got to work and got jealous and I really almost said something or acted mad OR what ever.  And it doesn't even matter - I didn't act out.  I shook through it.  I was sick to my stomach and shaking and I just made a phone call instead and THAT'S IT.  I didn't ask any questions or make accusations - at all.  Thank GOD.  Here's the thing though.....I feel like shit when I leave that waitressing job.  I don't feel sexy at all - the opposite - I have to get myself out of this.  I'm home right now - I took care of myself and came home instead of hanging out or instead of asking him to come home with me.  I'm still a shaky mess - I need a good night sleep.  I am really - not okay when it comes to being in a relationship.  I'm a mess.  He is a nice guy - he is being kind to me and I need to take CARE OF MYSELF now.  Ugh.  I'm not being clear at all.  I feel like I need to start a new blog for my character defects.  How is this ever going to change?  I mean - I didn't do anything so that is a change and I left even though it was super uncomfortable.  Let's see if I can take care of myself tomorrow as well and get to my alanon meeting AND come home and write for my class on Monday.  I'm such a mess.  I don't know though if ever in my life I was able to NOT completely freak out when I thought I saw or heard something.  This isn't funny - I just hate it.  I fucking hate it.  I want to be a confident, strong, woman who is in my power.  I also want to do comedy for fuck's sake again.  FUCK.  Get my power back.  I have to go to sleep - I'm beyond exhausted.  Good night Bluebie.