Total Fear.

I didn't go to class tonight - I went to work.  I still have 2 bills I need & want to pay this month and - well - I tried to get the shift covered - the guy was being a tool about it and then - then what?  Then I decided I wanted to work.  I worked - I made enough money and the money is so much worse now there - now that they changed the prices - holy shit.  I think I should have been in class but I am completely petrified about going on this audition - I really am.  I'm worried and I think it is a trick somehow that I have been doing good work in class and learning.  The guy came over last night -w e had so much fun coming home.  I made us breakfast and that was fun.  We had fun sex and then I made him snuggle with me and that was fun - hilarious.  He seems so much better - but then - just as I left work - I don't know - you know what?  I don't even want to write about it.  I do not want to take up time and space writing about it.  This is what I know - I'm doing the best I fucking can.  I need to get myself ready for this audition - I have time now tomorrow to do this.  It's St. Patty's Day - what a bullshit mess that's going to be here tomorrow.  That's also part of why I wanted to work tonight though - it's going to be awful tomorrow night.  Maybe.  I don't know.  What am I doing?  I know what I'm doing.  I'm still following my dream.  And do you know what I just thought in the cab?  I was like - okay - I'm going through this and I'm going through this sober.  That's what I wanted - I wanted to be going through life sober so I could really be - learning.  That sounds lame right - but what else is the fucking point?  So how am I going to do this?  I'm scared to grow past this point of my life.  I really am.  That's all.  Okay - I have time tomorrow now where I can work on this and I will.  I have an appointment Monday with my teacher and class on Tuesday.  He said for me to curb missing class as I need to work and I am really breaking through.  It makes me think I could get work and not be a fucking waitress.  Then who am I?  How would I be victimized by life?  I'm going to eat some ice cream right now.  I think I'm going to eat some ice cream and pay.  This isn't even that big of a deal this audition - but it's something.  It is a big deal - it's all a big deal.  Oh boy - oh fucking BOY.  I LOVE you Bluebie.