Can't stop crying.

I'm listening to Spotify and for some reason the Billboard 100 is making me cry.  I was crying anyway.  He was upset we weren't going to the museum - that I didn't call him when I woke up so we could go for a couple of hours at least.  But I needed to pray and meditate and I just didn't want to spend the money to go there for 2 hours.  How long would we go for anyway?  Was I just mad?  I don't know - I'm exhausted - I just cried for an hour straight.  I did the dishes from yesterday and cried.  I finally sent him a message and said to have  a nice day.  I just don't want to end this angry - I just don't have room in my heart for more hate - I just don't.  He's not a bad guy - he just doesn't have it to give to me.  He just doesn't.  Isn't that sad?  We laugh so hard together.  I'm so sad right now.  I prayed and meditated for over an hour and I am still a basket case.  I think I will feel better after s meeting.  Do you think this is ever going to change?  I mean - do you think I will find some peace of mind - some love?  I can't help but think that if my first love didn't die - this wouldn't be like this.  Then I just wrote that and I realized how ridiculous that is.  I suppose it already is different - I was just nice to him.  I'm a bit broken hearted right now.  I guess the part that is the hardest is that he doesn't seem to care.  He seems okay - I have no idea.  He kissed me so nicely last night but you know what?  It - it just isn't right I guess.  I suppose I need to just accept.  The movie we watched yesterday - he said he would watch it all the time when he was little - his father put an X on it for him so he would know which movie it was to watch.  X's have been this bizarre sign I have been seeing for years now.  After a meeting I went to once where a woman was talking about an x and it meaning where Grace meets Willingness.  I found that to be so profound.  Isn't it crazy that that's what was on his movie?  He said he has seen it 1000 times.  Am I making any sense?  I don't care.  I'm not drunk - can you imagine?  I paid my bills, I was just nice, and I did some fucking dishes.  And I can't stop crying.  Doesn't this make it all worth it?  I'm a fucking mess - and I still haven't even looked at those monologues.  Oh dear - that made me stop crying for a second.  Okay Blueberry - off to shower and hopefully shift and grow.  I love you.