Holy fucking dirty cow.

I finally took a shower this morning and do you know that I was so thrown off by my sudden lapse in self-care that I was a fucking disaster until - well I still am one. I was so over-stimulated by that class and then all up in my head about it and I fell apart. I was so crazy when I got home from work last night and I got terrible sleep. I had bad dreams and I had cramps - maybe from my Chinese food? It is just so fucking hard for me to consistently take care of myself. The cigarette smoke was so bad last night and Creepy was up banging around like a maniac this morning because it's the 1st and he wants the rent. When I was in my room hearing him I would have thought he was rearranging the house he was being so loud. I come out of my room and everything looks the same. He is so horrible. You know what I thought this morning though? I know this - I know this guy - he is awful and full of shit, a total liar and a COMPLETE narcissist - but I get it - I know what's going to happen. He will be awful. I have to take responsibility and move. I just have to let myself MOVE. I'm such a mess about my acting teacher - it's so awful. I'm a worried, nervous mess. I did dance a little bit last night and play my ukulele and the harmonica - so that was good. The whole time I was fighting being creeped out by Creepy. On the train on the way home last night this woman got on and was getting right in people's faces and saying "Can you buy me a piece of chicken - I'm gonna die - please buy me a piece of chicken??" Then when they said no - which of course they did (and I did) - what does that even mean?? Get off the train with this BIG toothless women - find a chicken place and then get her chicken - one piece - and get back on the train?? So when certain people said no she said "You're lucky I'm in a good fucking mood." One guy got in a fight with her. She wasn't dying or anywhere close to it but she was an alcoholic for sure. She had that skin tone an alcoholic gets when they got their drink on but not too much. Just enough. It was so weird and awful and I prayed for her and was grateful I'm not drunk. I totally got where she was coming from - I really did. My favorite part was when she asked people what they were reading and how they were doing and if they needed any help working anything out emotionally. So she was also trying to just randomly start up a casual, helpful conversation with people like she hadn't just been a total psycho to 5 other people 2 feet away. "Oh - what are reading - is that a religious book? Are you doing okay today??" I have to just keep on this self-care thing also......I could not get myself looking cute yesterday when I didn't take a shower. I didn't want to waste my cute clothes on a dirty body. My whole day got worse and worse from me not showering. And I didn't take care of myself the night before so it went into the morning. Okay - well - today is a new day - I have a clean body, hair and I have on a super cute dress from - you guessed it - TJ Maxx and I can pay my rent (EVEN THOUGH I DON'T WANT TO) and I can eat healthy food and I recognize I am in a crazy spot. I think I am in reality. Which means I'm probably not. Ha - oh I almost just laughed - we are getting somewhere. I LOVE YOU BLUEBIE!! Bye. Good luck and God Speed.