Let's see....

I'm at the store - it's quiet so far today but s woman just bought a beautiful, really expensive Indian necklace so that's good. It's gold, diamonds, sapphires and something else I'm not sure of. Really pretty - she was very sweet. I am so grumpy and I realized I have PMS. I woke up too early and went back to sleep and had terrible dreams. Creepy woke me up rushing around to get ready for his guests coming and it made me so mad until I realized that in 20 minutes I was going to be rushing around because I was already running late. I totally saw how his behavior that bothered me was the behavior I do myself that is so ridiculous. I also couldn't walk the dog and I was getting sick to my stomach and so upset and then I thought "Why am I doing this? I know how upset this makes me - either don't be upset or wake up early enough to walk her and not beat myself up all day." I mean - really? I just need to start seeing things through the way I see through how having a drink would be. I never see a drink through and think - oh yeah - that will be a great way to end my day - half naked in the street crying. So if I go back to sleep 15 minutes before I'm supposed to wake up - I probably won't start my day well. I got here and I was so mad about this chick who works here and then I was like "Oh - here we go - all her awful things are all things I do or have done." PLUS I was feeling like a victim of her and not appreciated and blah blah blah and it's not true. I said no to working today and I could have just stuck with that. The end. I am so afraid to say no and not act from a desperate place. I have no faith that me taking care of myself is the right way to go. Well - so I see it. Lady Wonder said I should write down all my money - everything I spend and make. Haven't started - don't want to do it. Okay - I'm going to go. I feel like this has been so negative. I smell weird from not showering. I'm just out of balance. Bye Bluebie.