Thursday, March 31, 2011
Well here we go.
And by we I mean me and thank God my dog. This little creature is pure heaven and I am so grateful I have her. She is such a wonderful little gift to wake up to and come home to. I am drinking my coffee that I made here in my clean room and I just cancelled plans I had made because I am exhausted and guess what?? SHE needed to cancel also!! I would have left the house already if I was still going to see her. Which is honestly - well perfect but also - jesus. If I did that thing - that "I made a plan I have to show up" bullshit - I would have been so pissed. I am so tired and I am once again fighting off a cold. I also am completely freaked out by this lump in my belly. Although I look so much better than I have and it could be just a weird fatty deposit. Plus it kind of hurts so that's a good sign? I just have to make a doctor's appointment. I'm so lonely. I miss having a boyfriend. I miss hugs. I want a baby. It smells a lot like cigarettes. I slept so much though. I also woke up and put the dog in bed with me and slept more. The fact that I stayed here is awesome. I took care of myself. And now I can take more care of myself. I can do the Castor oil thing, meditate and pray and read more plus take a long, hot shower. Oh!! And a little bit of yoga. Here's the thing. I always felt in my teen years that I couldn't do anything and I always had to do what my parents wanted and then kind of disappear. I also felt like I had to hide my money and I also felt like I couldn't express myself creatively. I ALSO felt like I had no other choice but to stay there because I had no idea what I could really do or how to take care of myself. I felt trapped and stuck and even if I could have left (which I could have) I had no idea where to go or how to take care of myself. I DID NOT think I could take care of myself and it scared me. OUT THERE scared me. Jesus. That's exactly how I feel here. I am so confused and bummed out. I'm sort of feeling nothing - just still or non-existent. Oh dear that can't be good. I have completely recreated my childhood - or rather my teen years. Whatever I started feeling like this in like 3rd grade. But I REALLY felt like a trapped adult in my teen years. Hiding my money? Then I would spend it irresponsible. Well okay now is the time for me to be nice to myself and realize that I am - what? Better than that now? Am I? I have to go take care of myself.