Saturday, March 12, 2011

Hope is all I can hope for today....

I feel a tiny bit better than when I fell asleep last night. And a nice man checked in on me today and said "that's better than being a tiny bit worse." That is true - very true. My thoughts seem tiny bit less poisoness and I got a decent amount of rest. I already walked the dog and it's very pleasant outside so that always helps me. I'm going to meet a guy for coffee who a friend hooked me up with. Her Lady Wonder said all I have to do is not hate him. Okay. I sent him a picture and it is one where my sister and nephew are in the picture and I said they were my children (jokingly of course) and his reply was - nothing. He sent me a picture also and he looks nice but maybe a bit tense in the eyes? I didn't notice that - my friend whose boyfriend hooked us up noticed that. Well I worked last night and that sweet boy was there again and we talked and he is sooooo sweet - he said he wanted to help me and that he's magical. Haha - what better reason to totally avoid him? Besides the fact that he is 16 years younger and he has been in the city for 4 days. FOUR DAYS. Ugh okay I feel better having just written that. Do you know the crazy part? No but I will tell you. Her Lady Wonder said to avoid him and then he showed up again last night and he was so sweet and then here's the kicker. He ended up really bonding and talking to the guy whose girlfriend and I had a whole fallout with and then my career really hit the bricks. Well what the fuck? I'm not meant to talk to this kid. He is a KID. And there you go - God got in the way. Ugh it's still annoying. Well maybe I will find my place in this world, self acceptance, creative expression and love. Maybe I will just not be suicidal every other day. Or at best maybe I can not have an existential crisis all the fucking time. But today I feel hope and God help me I might find a new job and not have to see that guy, hear about his girlfriend or hear his horrendous comedy. Also maybe I will get past all this super sensitivity. Am I being hard on myself? Maybe - I don't know how else to be. I am tired and I am just miserable and that's all there is to it. But I do have a tiny bit of hope. Which is more than I had yesterday. Bye Blueberry.

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