Monday, March 7, 2011

Fuck what a day - what a week - what a million

lessons learned. Resentments hold me back and I have no room for them and can't afford to hold onto them. I am starting to feel things I have never felt before - a level a realness I have never experienced and it is scary as shit. I have the nicest, most caring therapist in the world. Her name is Miss Jones. That's her real name. She stayed an extra 25 minutes with me tonight. I could not stop crying and I was very, so very upset and in pain. I'm going back on Thursday. I also learned and I actually HEARD Her Lady Wonder when she said that "other peoples craziness has nothing to do with me." Also I learned that unfortunately people are - well - crazy. Ha - well - okay - there you go. Not only that but I work in a toxic environment and I also live in one and it's very exhausting. I have to find a new job. I just have to take some actions. I cleaned tonight - everything. The whole room, bathroom, dogs ears, clipped her toenails, dusted, Windex, vacuumed, did my laundry and changed the sheets. And it all got done in a reasonable amount of time. Each time I clean it's easier. My therapist said each time I go through intense emotions and if I keep talking about them - the impact of them will be easier. I had no idea that this is what recovery was going to be like. I have turned down a new road. Now I actually want to recover and be healthy. What? I mean - ugh - I don't know. This has gone so far past "If I get sober I will be famous and get a great boyfriend." And I'm learning how to take care of myself - for real. I also am learning if I don't take care of myself and do for others because I don't want to "hurt their feelings" or even worse take the effort to take care of myself and say no - I just get resentful and then the poison starts flowing in me. I really don't know if I'm expressing what I want to say. I'm completely shocked at the level of emotions I have and how hard they rock me. I'm also shocked at how shitty people are. They don't want to be shitty and none of the people I work with OR live with know what I'm doing anyway. But I really get that if they feel things the way I do - I can see why they don't want to try and behave differently. Growing is very, very painful and difficult. But I suppose it will get less so as I go. Perhaps the more it flows the less rocking it will be. Jesus - okay I need to take a shower. It's 2:07 a.m. - why not??

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