Friday, March 18, 2011
I'm feeling a little better and I was able to work last night. It's so hard being there. I fell in love with that boy and now - it's so awkward. He is actually being nice to me and I'm so conflicted about my feelings that I can't even be normal around him. Okay - I can't be myself. I even got jealous. I got really jealous of another waitress who I would think would be a better fit for him. She's younger than me but still older than him and she's the same style. Why do I do that? What the fuck is wrong with me? And I'm so fucking horny. I really can't take it anymore. This creepy guy at work said he would have sex with me "no strings or emotions attached" and I'm considering it. He is so gross. He has fooled around with probably hundreds of women. Most of them under the age of 25. Maybe I need to call my therapist. I'm totally crushing on this 23 year old boy and ranking on this guy for fucking the same exact thing. I can't even have anyone over here to have sex with them. Um - total frustration. I am experiencing total fucking sexual frustration. I had the weirdest dreams. I need to unclench my heart. I am beginning to realize the one thing I am amazing at is being hard on myself. Yeesh. Unclench my grip on myself. I'm going to pray and meditate and do a little yoga, go to a meeting and walk to work for some exercise. I'm also going to call my mother and pay my cell phone bill. If I had gone to bed earlier last night I could have woken up today and gone swimming and that wold have made me feel so much better. Okay I need to go to work, mind my own business, breathe and stay focused. I did agree to write one monologue and one scene by next Thursday. I will also work on that. I agreed with that boy. I will call him Greatest American Hero. That's what he looks like. He has encouraged me to do these writing samples and even put it in his phone. One week from today - have some writing samples done. One monologue and one scene. I told him I wrote a song and he said it didn't count. Really? I told my manager Wolfgang about the song and he laughed and laughed. Jesus. Okay so I also know I'm funny - whether I like it or not.