Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Everything is so SO

much easier sober. I would say easily 90% easier. I was able to bring the dog to the vet and I wasn't hung over so I wasn't late AND it didn't hurt nearly as much to carry her around. I was less fumbling and out of sorts. I was able to pay for the vet and buy her special food PLUS I SHOWED up for the appointment which I would have never done. I brought my coffee and ate an apple on the way there. On the way back I was able to read my book. She has gained a little bit of weight and she is fine. I would have been such a fucking MESS before and I probably would have had to take a car there or a car home because I would have been so tired. I wouldn't have been able to carry her and the dog food. When I got home I was fascinated by how much less drama the whole thing was. Plus I had on clean clothes and I wasn't embarrassed when a hot guy came in to get something for his dogs. I was embarrassed by the huge pink boner his dog had but I wasn't all dirty and cracked out and feeling homeless like I would have felt even a year ago. I am definitely physically healing. My changed diet and all the walking is most definitely helping and I can feel the wound in my body healing. Or I can feel my whole wounded body healing. But I have to tell you that I am bored out of my fucking mind. I'm bored and why aren't I out there doing any acting or comedy? Is it really done and if it is what am I doing here still? Am I living here so I can become a lesbian in private away from my family? I'm not a lesbian I am stuck. At best I'm half bisexual. AHhahahaa. Boooooring. I am going to do the Castor oil treatment right now and meditate and read the book more. Maybe later I can do some of my new vision board and scan some of those pictures for the anniversary party. I am exhausted - of that I am. I am still very tired and very bored. I still need physical healing. I'm bloated from freaking out on food and soda for a week. Maybe 2? Do you know why I freaked out on food and soda? Because I had it one night - crazy food and soda and nothing happened the next day. Then I did it again and still - no problem. THEN I kept on doing it and I woke up today (and yesterday for that matter) and I was totally bloated and gained 5 pounds. I really realized last night that it's exactly like my alcoholism. It's all progressive. A little bit of the right things everyday makes me better and a little bit (OR A LOT) of the bad things makes me worse. So fucking annoying. Christ Almighty.

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