Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Blogg I miss you!!

Larni and I had a - what would I call it? Well he upset me and then asked me about it - I told him how I felt - we had a long talk - he did my hair and we hung out for hours and now all is well. It felt very honest and - calm? I mean I talked to my therapist about how I was upset, then I wrote him, then we talked a bit, then we made a lunch date and worked it all out. Jesus it was a lot of work but it was worth it. I am letting people close to me and I am letting a bit of intimacy into my life. And we had a real interaction. I am really talking to people. Ugh that being said I woke up today with a horrible cold and I don't want to do anything. She just asked me to work. Here's where I get confused. Okay - I have a cold - what am I confused about? I need to rest. I also have never gotten as sick as I have since working there. There have also been times where I said I would work, arranged my schedule and then she tells me never mind. For real. Okay but the reality is that this has nothing to do with her - the struggle I am having right now. She is trying to take care of herself and her job for tonight. Okay. I have issues with her because she is wishy washy and she can really be a douche. I don't have to work tonight if I don't think it's good for me. That being said I need the money and I would be able to see that cute boy. But I don't want to see that cute boy because he is a boy. He really is a child. Okay. I really don't want to be there and this cigarette smoke in my room is gross enough - I don't need to go to work and be around all that unhealthiness. Okay I am really struggling here. The reality is that I will feel much better if I take the night off and heal. I need to heal. If God wants me to see a cute MAN he will put one before me. I won't have to hurt myself and go do something unkind towards myself in order to see someone. I also have shows to do tomorrow night and I need to write for those and get myself rested for those as well. Okay. Yes I need the money but it's also St. Patrick's Day week and I seriously can't be around that shit. I also need to clean my room a bit. This is the most boring blog post ever. But at least I'm writing on here - I feel like I'm neglecting you. Now we have to get to a new level in our relationship Blogg. How do we do that? Honesty and love. Kindness and love. We will work it out - I love you - bye.

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