Friday, March 4, 2011

I'm a girl and I know this

because I just got my period. I also know this because I love babies, furry things and cooking. I also love the beach and the sunshine. I suppose that isn't what makes me a girl. I'm a hopeless romantic and I know I am being sappy right now but I feel so lonely and it has been almost - lord help me - over a year and a half since I have had sex OR been kissed and I'm so lonely. I'm so - cold. I'm just - cold. I miss being kissed and snuggling and love. I miss love. Hugs. A hug and a genuine kiss. Love. I need to take better care of myself and fall in love with myself and where I am again in life. I am crying and I'm shocked because they are real tears. Not the tickle my nose tears where I'm forcing them out. I can't believe nothing is happening with love for me. It's just not. If I had a friend who was trying to be open to something and it wasn't happening I would say - just let it go. I have to let it go - it's not my time - that's all. But it's sad and it sucks. My period is getting shorter and I'm going to be 40 soon. I - oh dear - I think I might get really depressed right now. I'm never going to have a baby and I might never get to be a wife. I'm not. Men don't like me anymore and now I can't stop crying. I bought myself flowers last night and I - fuck - I just it's too much. I'm upset that I'm not an actress. I'm upset that - I don't understand anything. I'm grateful I have a job to got o and things to do beforehand. I'm grateful for the couple of projects I have coming up. I wish I had more money and a job that was more creatively fulfilling and healthy. I wish this person would stop smoking. I wish I had more self love. I am going to pray and meditate and keep accepting. I am going to remain open and keep cleaning myself and my life. I am going to breathe and love my dog. The answers are in my dreams. I know this. This is the onlyt hing I know right now and it's not just because I watched Inception last night. There is something in my dreams.

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