Saturday, March 26, 2011

The only way past it is through it.....

That is what is happening to me right now. I am finding myself very uncomfortable and upset at where I am in my life. And I am grumpy, have PMS and would love to just sit home and write and not go to that horrendous job. Last night was sooo crazy and I worked my ass off and only made okay money. That being said THANK GOD I have a job and that I can take my dog to the vet this week and I can pay my rent on time. The holistic doctor said this week (which I can also go to thank God) that the only way I can get to the place that I want to get to is by sometimes not feeling so great. Heart breakingly depressed and upset is how I refer to it. He also said not to label any feelings as negative or even positive (I know - I KNOW) and to recognize that however I am feeling is exactly the way I need to be feeling. I am exactly where I need to be. I will feel better. I will quite possible feel worse. I haven't been praying so much the last few days and I do feel off center. So perhaps that will help. I will do that today. I have done my little yoga routine and I have walked to work so that is good. If I walked all the way there today I would be doing really great. I also would be exhausted. My eye is all red from wearing that horrible make-up. I wore it one day and then I walked to work and it completely fucked up my eye. I look like a psycho. Let's see but it will heal and I already washed it out and used witch hazel. It hurts is the real problem but I can handle it. I think I might try to get my toaster out of the basement so I can have toast up here. Is that crazy? It seems crazy. I wish I had a kitchen. I used to have my own apartment and it was amazing. Ugh this house is great - I am just not in a good place. I had a drunk dream last night. One of those "I am drinking but still going to meetings and saying I'm not drinking" dreams. Awful. I took benedryl before I went to bed because I was in pain with my eye and this cold is so horrendous. Plus now for some reason late at night I can't breathe - I start to cough and it's like I'm having a slight asthma attack. Jesus no wonder I am upset. And I'm beating myself up for not going swimming. Okaaaay - fuck. Alright I took the benedryl and I feel guilty because I feel like I shouldn't take something like that. Well I did and I will just have to be okay with that. But clearly my subconscious thinks otherwise. Okay well just 2 more days of work and then I can do some other things to take care of myself. Oh dear. Breathe - I just have to breathe and read my new book "The Presence Process." He - the snake doctor - said it is wonderful as did my friend who introduced me to him. Okay. So the only way past this weekend is through it and I can do it. It will be okay and it will pass. I am trying to get other work so I am taking actions. It will be okay. Bye Blueberry. I will miss you. P.S. I am going to try to be nice to me and everyone else today and let it be okay when I have negative, rageful, hateful feelings towards others and situations.

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