Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Still so sick and I'm home.
I completely forgot to go and run the meeting I'm supposed to run every other Tuesday at 12:30. I didn't remember until 3 in the morning. Holy shit. I woke up with a pounding headache and I threw up. I haven't done that since I quit drinking. It was awful. Tears streaming down my face - the whole thing. I have to just accept right now. I don't know why this is happening but it is and I just have to stay here and take care of myself. I think the headache was partially caffeine withdrawal. I had 1 and a half coffees here yesterday but I would normally drink more. A lot more. Well after I just drank a cup I feel a bit better as far as the nausea and the headache goes. My fever is better but I feel gross and horrible things of awful colors are coming out of my face. I slept about 11 hours total so that is good. I'm going to do a super session of prayer and meditation. That will help for sure. I had no idea I was drinking that much coffee. I mean that I was that addicted to it. That headache and barfing was very withdrawal feeling. How awful. My poor little body. The crazy part to me is that I used to drink SO much more. Just venti after venti of ice coffee from Starbuck's. And coke!! I was drinking cokes like crazy. I don't look that sick. How strange is that? My eye color is pale but other than that - not so sick looking. How fucking weird. I'm so off kilter. I'm so out of balance. I feel twisted and backwards. The cigarette smoke does not help at all. Complete fucking torture. To be sick and have cigarette smoke in my room is torture. Why is my life like this and why can't I feel better? I do feel like I'm drinking still. This is exactly what my life was like. Tortured. The poor dog - I haven't taken her out yet. She's just staring at me. The landlord's boyfriend has taken up the recorder. Yup. Why not add some horrible music to my torture? When you are being tortured the music should only be torturous also. Her Lady Wonder said to be really kind to myself and really gentle. I'm going to try - I really am. I like the clothes I got for myself - they are really cute. Comfortable and cute. I have to say I'm not so sure about The Snake Doctor. How the fuck am I always so sick??