I feel much better and I also feel hope.

Trust me that was NOT easy to say and of course because I said it it's making me freak out. However - this is what happened. My alarm went off at 7 a.m. and that meant I had about 3 hours of sleep. Well I instantly fell back asleep for another hour and a half. Still not enough sleep and now I had a half hour to get to the eye clinic in time (well according to the time she told me to be there at). So I fell back asleep after I decided that I didn't need to be there by 9 - I could get there at 11 - 10? I don't know what I was thinking as I kept waking up and telling myself whatever and then going back to sleep. At some point I decided that I had to go to the holistic doctor at 2 and that I would ask him about my eye. Which is exactly what I did. He said it's my liver. I finally got an eye wash kit - with the little cup and I came home and used it and it seemed better instantly. I needed to sleep so I slept. I got lost on my way to the doctor and I was so upset - it was raining and my phone wouldn't work and I didn't recognize anything even though I had been there 2 weeks ago. I finally got his secretary on the phone and she was SO nice - so nice. Then he looked at all my stuff - reviewed everything and asked me if I thought this was a good path for healing and if it was going to be okay for me money wise. But before that he said I was a good candidate for this type of healing. Well - I said yes and then he gave me some papers and some different things to start to take and do and then he said I need to be nice to myself. To make a serious commitment to be kind to myself. I said it's so hard and he said it's hard for all of us. But that it's so important for my healing. I'm still amazed. He's a nice guy and all the things he said to do are inexpensive (for the most part) and just - he's a nice, smart doctor who said for me to be nice to myself. Holy shit. So I walked to get the dog's special food, talked to a friend who really needed to talk, had some eggs, went to a meeting and answered the door because no one was there to do it. Now I have another person in my life telling me that it's okay to be nice to myself. I have no idea if his liver theory is correct but I'm going to look it up after this. I can say this - I'm glad I didn't completely make myself crazy by getting 3 hours of sleep and spending more money by going to the clinic. And I didn't stuff my face today but I enjoyed my food. And now I'm going to ween myself off of coffee - for real. He said I should start to slow down and it's time. Do you know it makes me think - oh - now I won't be able to drink coffee with my parents. I can drink water - or tea. It's okay. I cleaned tonight and washed my sheets. I soaked my feet in epsom salts and cut my toenails. I put on clean pajamas and I drank water. I flossed and put a cucumber mask on. One of those ones that when you peel it off looks like your skin is coming off - love it. I seriously need so much healing now around my actual physical body. I stopped poisoning myself with drugs and alcohol and I detoxed from it. Now I need to heal. Holy shit - now that I'm not eating myself through this or completely going overboard with coffee - I can feel how my body needs to heal. I have feeling part of why I got so depressed was from not only being at work too much but from eating all that pizza and - pizza. I had 4 pieces of pepperoni pizza on Saturday night and I had a piece on my way TO work. Really? And a handful of peanut M&M's and a handful of skittles. Oh and I was drinking soda water with cranberry juice in it and our cranberry juice is LOADED with corn syrup. All of that and I'm an alcoholic - I get upset. Is that a thing I can say? I can say this - I WAS SO GLAD that I didn't drink yesterday or smoke pot or do something else to hurt myself. I really thought that today that I wasn't hung over. I was sober and I was so happy for that. I hope that I will get stronger. But it did pass - I no longer feel as horrible and I do indeed feel hopeful about this new path of healing. Another bunch of tools - and they seem to make sense. I'm going to look up the liver eye thing. Goodnight Blueberries - thank you for being you.

I can't sleep

and I've been laying there for over 2 hours. I feel a little better. Perhaps because I did not let myself eat myself out of this place. I spoke to my sponsee and that got me out of myself. I just wish I could stop having the past flood up in my memories and fill me with regret. What is the point of regret? No point. I need to move on. How? Maybe I will feel better after the holistic doctor. Maybe I will feel better after I adjust to not eating myself through my feelings. Maybe I feel badly because I took Benedryl for 2 weeks and it made me sleep and maybe I didn't need so much sleep that wasn't authentic. Inauthentic sleep. Inauthentic anything blows. I'm trying to think of me taking care of myself and my life as if I were a baby. As if I were my own parent. Seems ridiculous yet at the same time - quite possible a good idea. What would I do? How would I take care of me? No wonder no one reads this - how ugh - self-centered. REALLY? Because I want to be okay and I'm trying everything in my brain power to be okay? Christ - it's good for fucks sake. I think I think I cheated by taking Benedryl. I didn't need it the last couple of nights - the cold was gone - but I took it anyway. I told my friend. She's very short. Tiny. So small - I feel like a giant around her and I'm not that tall. And her sponsor is SO tall. Taller than my sister who is tall and she's tall!! Christ how am I going to get to this doctor by 9? The other doctor by 2 and somehow a meeting? And I have yet to go to the gym. Meaning I signed up for it - I pay for it - but I don't go. Huh. That would probably make me feel better. For sure. How would I take care of myself if I were my own parent and I were a baby? How about just a child. A person parenting themselves? When I was at therapy tonight and I was so negative I said to her I'm sorry for being so negative and she asked me why I thought it was bad. Then she said that if I'm feeling negative and I express it then that's good. Or okay at least. OF course - I shouldn't sit on that energy. Ugh this is so hard. This year of sobriety feels so much harder than last year. This is so intense and not fattening. Just can't do it though. The eating doesn't work anymore. I don't know how to do what's right really yet but I can tell you that numbing things doesn't feel good anymore either. So now I just have to relearn and at the same time make some wise choices for myself. Maybe I should become an art teacher. Maybe I should do some more shows. Maybe I should write a book. I can complain for 200 pages. I will call it "I Complained For 200 Pages." I will get someone real miserable to write the foreword. I want a better life and that is good. I can move home and still come to the city. Why does that make me so sad? Where would I go? Live? I would need a car and a job. A real job. I need some guidance. I need to pray I guess. "Please Dear Lord Help Me Raise Myself Better Than The Last 40 Years." It will be the sequel to my first book. Not as funny as I thought it would be. I don't feel safe creatively here. Big part of my problem. Lots of things need to change. Well - okay - now that that is all cleared up - goodnight.

Went to therapy

and told her how depressed I am and how I want to move. I hate living here - I hate it. I am sick of waitressing and I no longer - ugh - why am I writing? I am miserable. I hope I will feel better tomorrow. I need to make some better choices for myself but I have no confidence in myself. I wish something would happen. I wish someone would love me. I wish - I don't know. I wish I had some money - do I? I am so fucking depressed. I need to rest. I am going to say that tomorrow will be a better day - even though I'm not sure I believe that. Bye Blueberry.

Totally depressed

I worked last night - picked up the shift - and of course only one chick made good money. Why does this chick get to do whatever she wants? she's an asshole and she always makes the most money - fuck - I wouldn't even care except that I have a fucked up eye and I need to go to the doctor. I am so not okay. I am over it. It's done - I'm done. I am exhausted,old and I can't get it back. I can't get my drive back for comedy and acting. I am so filled with hate and misery right now. I must not be in the right place - doing the right thing. I can't even get out of bed. I'm so tired. I am going back to that holistic doctor tomorrow and I'm just going to have to wait till then to deal with my eye. I have a feeling that it isn't good. Really? I have had a bad eye for months now. It started in the summer time. I'm so depressed and I hate my life. I hate my job, I hate living here - it's fucking ridiculous - it's total doucheness all the time. I'm upset - I'm not saying nice things. Why should I? People are assholes and they get what they want. This chick has been making all the money for months and she's traveling for all of December and then not coming back because she's moving to LA. Oh that's nice - so I can't afford to GO TO THE DOCTOR but she can travel all over the place. I have no health insurance (my fault), I'm a waitress (my fault), live in a crazy house (my fault), divorced - ugh I am very upset. I just don't see the point. I have therapy today and honestly it's too much work. I can't take it. I'm done. It's all too much. My manager was over and hour late yesterday. Then she sat there and ate lasagna. She made more money than me last night and she just bought a new car. I fucking hate her. How do you not show up to a job on time where you don't have to DO ANYTHING? It's SO FUCKING RUDE. And my other manager asked me to do something for the Christmas party but has yet to send us what it is he wants us to do. It's over. I'm going to be 40 in July and who the fuck am I kidding? It's not going to change. I'm not going to get inspired - nothing is going to change - I'm never going to be an actress and my dreams have died. I need to move somewhere warm. I need health insurance and to either go back to school or get a real job. It's over, it's done. Forget it. I wish I could be happy somehow but I don't see that in my near future or even in my future. Forget it.

Lord

help me please. My weird eye thing is back. It's all red and it looks horrendous and it hurts a little bit. To be honest I can't tell if it hurts but it looks like it hurts. I'm sinking. work was lame last night and I have to pay rent - when? Oh boy - Wednesday. Hmmmm - I'm not so sure how that is going to happen. Well awesome. I'm frustrated for real. I should walk to work. I would have been sort of okay but I missed 2 nights of work from being sick and then I missed Thursday because they were closed for Thanksgiving. You know I just can sit here and complain, more or I can pray/meditate and then try to get myself walking to work and buy myself some yummy dinner on the way. Call Her Lady Wonder. I can't get depressed. I will go to the doctor tomorrow and I will go back to the Holistic doctor on Tuesday. And I will give him as much rent as I can. Not sure what else to do. Just keep going - keep my head above water. And I will try to enjoy swimming. I know and tonight at work I will ask my boss about going up onstage there. Hmmm - yes - for real. Okay - I have my missions for the day. I will make the best of it. Aggg - so tricky - keeping it light is so tricky!!!

Happy Thanksgiving and

oh dear. Well it was a nice day - I went to a very nice party in Midtown and the apartment was beautiful and filled with so much warmth and love. It has a view of the city that is amaaaazing - really gorgeous. I came home and spent some time here with everyone celebrating, which was much less drug and alcohol infused than I thought it was going to be. I talked to my Mom, my best friend and my sister and that was great. But oh dear Blogg now I'm upset. I'm so upset and I have to write it out and get it out of me. This is so silly but I guess it had to happen. So last Sunday Soft Hugger hugged me only I wasn't feeling well and I didn't want to get him sick so it was awkward - to say the least. Then I went outside and he joked about something and I said bye and that was nice. So of course in my brain a relationship is growing between us. I laughed when I wrote that because it's funny and it's so ridiculous. Well I'm embarrassed to write this but I looked at his FB page and he wrote something to someone who I know and it got me so upset. I've seen him write to her before and a mutual friend of all of us told me she liked him - months ago and then I remembered all of that, got upset, decided he loves her, and than I got more upset. Let me also say he and I are NOT friends on FB. And then I started to ACTUALLY get depressed. And she's a comedian and WAY more successful than I am or have ever been and now I feel sick. I did a show the other night and it was fun and a really cute room that was packed with people. Some friends came and Larni and I had fun laughing in the back waiting to go up. Then we went to the diner afterwards and wrote until 2:30 in the morning. So much fun - so comedy. Well then all of a sudden I feel upset. I will never catch up, I will never be that funny, I will never be loved by someone who I love, why am I being mean to myself? Ugh - okay I feel like this is good in a way and that it had to happen. I can't have a boyfriend right now - especially an imaginary one. And I really need to think about this comedy thing. Thing?? I just - I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can not do it. I'm tired and now I'm getting sad. Larni asked me if I would just be happy supporting my husband in his career (if I had one) and having his babies. I was like uhhh - I don't know? NO - NO is the answer. No I wouldn't be - what the fuck? Not drinking and doing drugs is so much easier now and the really amazing thing is that I am soooo much more social and able to be charming - sober. I love people - I don't need booze to lighten up/ease up/open up. I loved being sober and social yesterday. For sure. But I'm so confused about the comedy. My art. Love. Jesus. It's making me beat myself up for some reason. Well since I know I am I can stop. Here's the thing - maybe I should just take another year - the rest of the year till next September to be celibate still. Give myself the rest of this year to focus on my art and see what happens. Really? How lame does that sound? But I can't get all in my head about someone. I have to focus on myself in a healthy way. Well why don't I just say that. I'm going to focus on me in a healthy way - open myself up to art and see where it takes me. I'm going to meditate and ask to be shown the right way. I have to work tonight. I need inspiration. I really do. But I also need to be nice to myself. Really nice. Thanks for being here. You are the best listener ever Blue!!!

Okay

I decided staying here was for the best - I slept 12 hours last night so I obviously am still not feeling well. It's an open mike so there is no pressure and well - this is the decision I made so okay. Plus I have to greet today at the meeting so I'm glad to be of service. Is my energy ever going to come back? I got paid for Jury Duty - awesome. I also went to the store and bought coffee to make at home instead of going to the bodega and drinking their nasty coffee. Please I would have drank it but there were about 20 12 year old kids trying to get food so I left. I am definitely drinking less coffee. Fuck I'm scared - what if I never find my flow again? Seriously?? All I seem to want to do is watch movies and TV shows and - go to meetings and work once in awhile. Okay - I need to calm down. Calm down. But if I'm really going to pursue this I need to do it everyday. Okay - so go to a meeting everyday, write everyday (oh I also have been writing) and then perform everyday? Night? How am I going to watch 4 to 7 hours of television/movies/hulu? Jesus. I need to take my vitamins. This coffee tastes good. Oh dear - oh boy - I just have to break out of this cycle of being retired. I always said when I was little that I wanted to grow up to be retired. Who says that? "When I grow up I want to be retired." Well I changed my mind thank you very much. Yeesh. Bye Blue - I will talk to you later.

Jesus

I blew off me family and upset my Mother for Thanksgiving so I could stay here and do this show and it turns out it's an OPEN MIKE. What the fuck?? So for the last hour and a half I have been plummeting. Why didn't I ASK what kind of show it was - where it is blah blah. Putting all this emphasis on this show - see if I even want to perform anymore - see what direction I want to take my life. What bullshit. I'm so upset. Am I? Yes yes I am - I'm so fucking confused. Who the fuck am I and why am I here? Why can't I leave this city or at least be doing what I came here for? Do I expect something overnight? Yes - I guess I do. Oh Christ I'm just upset. I feel like really - maybe the time has passed. Why would someone who has never seen me perform suddenly book me for a show? I'm beating myself up. It also makes me feel stupid - not hard to do. I just don't understand. I felt so good suddenly - like I was really growing up and now I feel like a jerk. Okay - well okay. Okay. WEll okay. It takes a lot of pressure off of me as far as performing goes. For sure. And I have the time. I really have the time. I have worked on my writing and it would be fun to get up and try it out. Without pressure. Okay. I'm just shocked but also - wow - ask some questions - jeez. Now - it just also makes me feel like - well - lord - it's good I'm not dating. I think I'm having caffeine withdrawal. This isn't funny and now I'm having a bad attitude. It's not until 11:00 at night!!! I'm up until 3 a.m. why do I care? Ha - I don't really know. Okay - how many more times am I going to say that? Christ. Fuck. Okay - OKAAAAYYY.

Haha - I'm laughing even though

I'm slightly insulted. I"m not even sure if that's the right word but I'm annoyed for sure. I just went on FB to check for what I have no idea. A guy comes on the chat and says hi - who always flirts with me and a few weeks ago I met his girlfriend. Well she is wonderful and I'm not attracted to him anyway so now I REALLY don't want to flirt with him. Mind you he's harmless and he loves her but it's annoying. I've known him for years through comedy and I really like him as a person and I think he's funny and we have a lot of friends in common. So I chat with him when he wants to chat. WELL tonight he says what's new and I tell him that I'm going to do a show Wednesday night for the first time in a year. And I say - this will be good to help me figure out where I'm going. To which he replied "Oh what - you aren't happy where you are?? Join the club." And I said "I don't know how to reply to that." So then I tried to chat with him a little more and then I realized - oh he was being a dick and I don't have to talk to him. Ugh - remember Sweet Fingers?? Well that's how I feel around him too. Like on eggshells sort of - like he's going to be angry at any moment or like there is no way I can ever say the right thing or that he/both of them are filled with some kind of rage that I am sure to set off somehow. Fuck that. I realized this weekend when I saw Sweet Fingers and I instantly got uncomfortable and nervous that that is a sucky feeling. Why would I want to try to pursue some kind of relationship with someone who - well for starters - never asks me out (HA!!) and then also - I feel horrible around and I feel like at any moment might be a dick and get angry. Fuck that. So I said Happy Thanksgiving to Mr. Douche Chat (who is a nice guy as is Sweet Fingers) and hung up on FB. Seriously - I'm a person who deserves ease in relationships. Fuck that. What's wrong with me figuring out my life and doing a show for THE FIRST TIME IN A YEAR and thinking that it might be SPECIAL and also THANKS for the support Mr. Douche Chat. Fuck - what an asshole. Well anyway - I need to work on my set for that show. I wrote last night and now I need to write again tonight. But I wanted to write on here first but FIRST I had to get my interaction with both Sweet Fingers and Mr. Douche Chat off my chest. I felt so much better on Saturday when I realized - oh I don't feel good right now!!! Retreat - RETREAT!! Got my power back thank you very much. On another note - hmmmmm - I'm nervous about this show. 8 minutes. Seems so short and yet so very VERY long. Okay - this is good - good. Gonna go work on that now. I miss you Blueberry Blogg!!!!

Get over it.

I'm talking to myself. I keep having - for years now - flashes of all these past memories. Things I walked away from - mistakes I've made - losing my my love, blah blah. Well I can't change any of it and I can't keep beating myself up over it all. I have to get over it. Seriously - life is hard and I'm honestly doing the best I can. I really am. I'm sober. Ugh - I still don't feel well. Whenever I get really sentimental I know I'm not feeling well. I have to work tonight - ugh. But I need a winter coat. It's cold now. I got rid of that other one and now I don't have one that fits. I would like some eggs. I should walk the dog and go get an omelet from the bodega. Should I walk to work? Would that be good or bad for me? I think I just don't have the energy to be hard on myself anymore. I have to get over it. Free myself. Just keep going and get over it. All of it. Move past my past. Ha - I quoted Joshua Radin. I'm very in my head. I am all stuffy in my head and I'm all up in it also. Oh my Mother is calling. I've decided to stay here for Thanksgiving and do a show the night before. I have to get onstage and this is an amazing opportunity. Oh dear - it's her birthday that night. I'm a grown-up - I need to stay here and I need to be okay with my decision. Yeesh. I think I should walk to work - clear my head. So I am going to practice being nice - um well - I am going to practice stopping myself when I start beating myself up and thinking of the past. Practice moving on. Yes - for real. I'm back because I just realized that I'm annoyed because part of why I beat myself up is because I'm not what "society" or different people think of as "successful" or whatever. Too bad I'm not a genius and that I'm sensitive and emotional and I am a woman who doesn't have children or a job that's really doing anything. Who fucking cares? I'm done beating myself up along with everyone else. I am who I am. I need to be nice to myself and right now I need to write this even though it's a little bit beating myself up anyway. Oh dear - I am haha - oh boy - going to cry at work tonight for sure. Maybe not!!! Maybe it will be a great night at work. Calm - like the ocean or a lake. What??? Maybe I have a fever. Ha - oh Blueberry Blogg - keep being you - you are the best.

I feel SO much better

Holy Jesus thank you Lord. I rested and took zinc and ate soup and felt sorry for myself. I went to the doctor yesterday and (oh right - I said I was going to do that) he asked me what was wrong and I started crying. Hahahaaa - okay - that's funny to me. I really was just upset and tired. So he asked me a bunch of questions, I filled out forms and then he gave me Ph strips to use for a week and a week long food log. And already I realized that him just paying attention to me made me take better care of myself. I know I was paying him to but I mean - just knowing someone is going to be checking on me and asking me questions that I have to answer OUT LOUD makes it so much harder for me to lie to myself. Ugh. When I was little and my mother would help me with my homework or if I had a tutor - I did well. But if I didn't get some kind of one on one attention or if there wasn't some big reason for me to stay focused - forget about it. I just didn't do anything. So okay - wow. I told him I was sober for over a year and he asked me if I gave myself credit for that. I said "Um - yes, well I try to give myself credit for that uh yeah." Then he mumbled something about "If you don't give yourself credit for that then the pattern of beating yourself up - well I guess that's what we all do...." Huh? Not huh. I know - I'm so hard on myself and well - the only thing I can do is PRACTICE not doing it. I walked for a way after the visit and then I came home and cleaned and did laundry. Scrubbed the shower and the rest of the bathroom, vacuumed, dusted, changed sheets, washed whatever needed to be washed and drank a ton of detox tea. So. So I am so happy that I feel better and now I'm going to be nice to myself or at least practice being nice to myself. I am also going to quit drinking coffee. I think it's really bad for me and yesterday when I was cleaning I cleaned up little spots of coffee all over the place and the coffee pot was so dirty. I am completely addicted to it of course but to be honest I don't LOVE it. Okay - I love it but I don't LIKE it. So this is my plan - ween myself. One cup a day. I will save thousands of dollars not going to Starbucks. For sure. And I think I will feel much better. He's just going to tell me when I go back for my overall um - what do you call it - evaluation - that I need to stop drinking it anyway. Also it makes my breath gross and - well - blah blah. Time to quit that now is all. Thank God I already quit cigarettes. So. Sew Buttons on Your Underwear. Bye Blue.

Taking my temperature

because I have been so sick. I went to take my temperature last night and the thing that I had thought was a thermometer for years, was some weird little brush thing. It looks like a glass thermometer and then when I opened it it was a weird little brush. I was so confused that I actually closed it and opened it again just to make sure it wasn't somehow a weird little brush, thermometer combo. So I went today and got myself a new thermometer and yes I have a fever but it's not that bad. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. Hmmmm - a holistic doctor. You know it just occurred to me I should google him. I've been wanting to go to one for years. I have been so hard on myself. Being sick just made it worse. I'm not going there. I took tomorrow night off from work and I've been doing lots of self care. I'm googling that guy - I will be back. Well I guess he is legit. I will see how I feel after I go. It will be nice to talk to someone at least. Okay - bye Blueberries.

Happy Wedding Anniversary

I got married 5 years ago today. It was a day like this also - very pretty out. Then we all walked through Central Park with a friend playing his saxophone and we had Ethiopian food. Then later that night my new husband and I debuted our band at a show - our wedding show. THEN we went to the Bowery Poetry Club and had our first dance on top of the bar - and THEN we went to have our first wedding night together at my friend Liz's apartment on Ludlow Street but I ran away from my husband (because he kept getting mad at me for wanting to smoke pot - even though I had already smoked pot in the morning before we got married)and went home to my own apartment. When I woke up in the morning he was in bed with me because he climbed up the fire escape and broke in through my bedroom window. He had to WALK over the Williamsburg Bridge to even GET there. Soooo - how crazy that it didn't work out??? I went to a meeting today already and I cancelled my dinner plans because I am not feeling well. I will go to therapy and come home and rest. That right there is progress. I feel so badly because I met with my dear friend yesterday - let's call her Lady Charmante - yes that's so good for her - Lady Charmante came to visit me here in the city and we had so much fun!!! We went to the park and walked and laughed and watched a street show, had eggs, went shopping and had cheesecake. But today she doesn't feel well!!! Also I told her about this secret blog so hopefully if all goes well now I will have 3 readers - 4 if my sister is still reading!!! But also I told her about it and I feel like those last couple of posts were so negative. Weeelllll sometimes I'm negative. I'm so glad I came home before therapy. I cleaned a little and my bed is made. I just need a REALLY good night's sleep and I will feel better. I might take a nap. I'm a little bit lonely but I'm okay. I should make some phone calls. Yes - I will do that. I LOVE YOU BLUEBERRY BLOG!!

Grumpy

I'm awake early because my girlfriend is coming to visit - which would have happened anyway because my landlord is yelling (and he always has that thing in the back of his throat like he needs to clear it - IT'S SO FUCKING GROSS) to someone right now, has banged the vacuum all over the place and there are guests who wake up at 8 a.m. and literally yell and crack up and slam doors. I am so fucking grumpy right now. I worked from 4:30 to 2:30 a.m. yesterday/last night and it enraged me. I only made okay money. Ugh it would have been worse but a girl was late and I got her section. Okay - I made fine money I'm grateful - I really am - it was just exhausting. I'm just really frustrated right now. Not a big deal - it's sunny out and a walk in the park will be great. I need to drink my coffee and calm down. Okay - bye - talk to you later Blue Blogg.

I Mother Fucking Love Blueberries.

Chriiiiiiissstt

For Christ's Sake!! What the fuck?? I'm having a technology breakdown day. My phone is fucked up, the printer got fucked up, my phone wouldn't send pictures and I'm pretty sure the texting isn't going through correctly. I have a sponsee now - but it's FREAKING me out. I'm so worried - I don't know what to do and I'm worried she is going to reject me or I'm going to upset her or SHE'S GOING TO REJECT ME!!!! Even though she basically asked me twice. Chriiiiisssssttt!! I also just got my . which is horrifying. Not horrifying - it's beautiful - I'm a woman. Fuck that I wish I could sit in a cave for 4 days. A heated cave with a heated pool and cable. Chriiiisst. So - now I'm worried about work - that it won't be busy and she won't call me till 6. I feel like I'm going to barf. I need to calm down. I'm not so great at calming down once I get uncalm. Well I think this is helping. Wowzers I'm a - ohhhh right and this is what else I wanted to say!! There was this - fuck - this isn't nice but there is this crazy chick who comes to the meetings - we used to be friends and then she FREAKED ME OUT - and I mean freaked me out - like done. And I pray for her and do all - fuck - I just don't like her and I don't like how it makes me feel to not like her. And don't believe her - I just don't. It feels awful to say that but I just don't. I think my sponsee saw me looking at her like she was crazy - I know she did - she looked at me. It's so unloving. I need to pray right now before I get in the shower. I am filled with angst. I will walk to work and that will help. Okay - I did some right things today. Just so you know - I'm not a complete mess. Chriiiiiissstt!!!! Bye. God Be With You. Hahahaa.

Tao of Abundance

I'm reading this right now. I love the Tao and to me it feels right inside my body to live by it. The Way is what it means. Gross - someone just hocked a luge. I guess it's what is meant to be. Just when I'm about to take myself really seriously someone hocks a luge. Haha. Okay so let's see - while I was walking the dog in the alley I was thinking about this part of the book about receiving. how a huge part of abundance is the ability to receive and how it is very feminine to receive. Well the left side of our bodies represents the feminine and this is the part of my body I have the most trouble with. My left ankle has tendinitis and my lower left back often bothers me. Um - well - that's all I've got but I for sure have issues with being a woman - even more with being feminine and if you want to make me really uncomfortable, get near me really close and genuinely compliment me. UNCOMFORTABLE!! Ugh now he is playing the mother fucking guzheng which I NEVER WANT TO RECEIVE. Fuck. Anyway so I was in the alley thinking about how receiving and love are the same and how years ago I thought in my head and felt in my heart (I did) how love is all there is and how it is above all else. But I didn't believe it in my whole body and it scared me. I couldn't understand how it could be more powerful than hate or greed or lust or hunger. That was a joke but not really. I feel it in me now. In my stomach. I'm VERY sentimental today - holy cow. Well so there you go - I'm really going to work on accepting being a woman and on receiving. Oh I know what else - I had no way of maintaining my love all those years ago. No way of keeping it clean, of rejuvenating it. So this is what the program has given to me. Love maintenance. Ha - I started to cry when I wrote that - let me refrain - I TRIED TO CRY - barf. But my nose tickled and that's when I know I'm forcing the tears. Weird. Not weird. Ha - and even then I still wanted to do it. Write a very dramatic, intense, poignant sentence and then weep. Hhahahahhaaa - that is so ridiculous. Ha. Okay so that is today. I have to meet Her Lady Wonder by 4 - no 5 and I don't want to be late and I definitely need to shower and I would like to pray and meditate but how can I do that with Crazy Pants playing his Guzheng? I wonder what that word actually means? I'm going to look it up. Oh My God - this is so funny - it means "Ancient Bamboo Argument." Crazy Pants LOVES to debate and argue. For real - he is an argument waiting to happen always. Debate I guess is more like it. Fucking hilarious. I have to go. I love you Blueberry. And I mean that in the most sentimental, ridiculous way!!!

I wrote tonight.

I planned to write for one hour but I wrote for about 20 minutes before I got distracted by the very important Facebook. It makes me feel like barfing. Not really - what it makes me feel like doing is eating the rest of this chicken rice bowl and then crawling into bed. In the not good way. I'm very tired and I'm upset. This is not coming easily to me and I'm scared. And do you know what the craziest part is?? I haven't even performed yet. I'm making to much of this. I started to write today - from today. I started down a different path and I even have a different keyboard. It's going to take time. I need to calm down and keep taking care of myself AND keep writing. That's all - everyday. It will be okay. I don't want to do anything else - I don't know why. I want to have sex and I want to have a boyfriend but (I avoided the baby thing) well - I feel this. That's all their is to it. I just have to do this right now. What? I don't know. I'm so tired. I'm tired and scared and worse I'm apathetic. Something has to shift and change. I'm eating that chicken rice bowl. I'm not bloated enough!!! i can be more bloated!! This keyboard is so weird. There were warnings of severe injury and death all over the pamphlets for the mouse and this keyboard. WARNING IF MISUSED SEVERE INJURY OR DEATH CAN OCCUR WHILE USING THIS PRODUCT. Hahahhahaaaaa - now that's funny.....

Happy Tuesday

I need to get in the shower and walk the dog but I really wanted to write a post real quick. I got a new keyboard and a new mouse and a mouse pad. I had a keyboard from 5 years ago that was half broken and then I spilled coffee ALL over it and it was really broken. This one is ergonomically correct and it's beautiful!!! It's the Mercedes of keyboards. I also got the insurance for it and I love it. Very much so. Um I'm - huh - well - I feel rushed. I promised my friend that I would write this week. Comedy from my present life right now. She is so right. It's time for me to bring it present day. I'm scared. Jesus - I'm scared to write?? Well - I am scared to do anything that involves heartbreak. I have done so many improvements to my room and clothes (fixing buttons etc.) in order to avoid writing. Well I guess part of it is that I'm embarrassed. Which I always am I and I should write about. I'm embarrassed that I have been a waitress so long and that I have failed one time at comedy. And that I get so desperate about waitressing. I was hoping that would be funny but it's not making me laugh at all. I am so tired. I really am. I just mean today not like a long term thing. Okay we write what we know right? Well - fuck I know waitressing and I know - I don't know. I know that I don't know. Really? I know - no - nothing. I need to shower. Talk to you later.

Fall Behind

So there is already more time to this day - how fantastic. Before I complain let me say what went well last night - what I did right. I walked to work to get exercise and save money. I didn't get Starbuck's and I shared my dinner to save money. I only had one cup of coffee and I walked the dog twice. I tried to be nice when I was being an asshole and I said please and thank you. I enjoyed the skyline, breathed in the air and I was grateful for being sober. I made a phone call and I sent a text to a newcomer (it's something and I really like her so it's very genuine on my part). Here's what I wish I could do: I wish I could not care what people think about me. I wish I could take care of myself without comparing myself to others. I wish I could be nice and kind regardless if someone makes my left shoulder blade feel funny. Okay I'm done. I just get so angry and I feel like a cat or any animal for that matter where I just want to swipe at the person. Perhaps sometimes it is appropriate to swipe and or scratch but I'm guessing for the most part it's best to walk away. That being said I feel terrible about that girl at work getting blamed for me tattling. Oh shit - it's Lollywhamper!!! And she has been so great this week - so sweet and normal. But I know from experience that I should keep my mouth shut. I'm letting God take this one - for real. Oh guilt - why are you so all over me? What is the point? I got a referral card for a holistic Doctor and I'm so psyched. He looks very nice and very Indian. I love that. It's just in time. There's just some things I can't figure out on my own and/or I just need someone to tell me who is a Doctor and has done some tests and talked to me. Does that make sense? I almost done paying for the carpet. Now I just need to take care of these other bills. And my first guy to make my amends to said I could have coffee with him this week. So later on today I will send him a message. Oh boy - work was crazy last night - busy. I need a shower and - um - uh - to get going on my day!!! I will walk, go to meetings, eat good food and maybe buy a winter coat and hopefully some boots. Not the crazy boots. Those will go on sale for $40.00 and I will buy then then. Or never. Maybe I won't buy a winter coat. But I can't wear this green one anymore - it's so painful to even look at it. It has pot on it that I can't get off (resin from my one hitter) and I used to sleep in it because I was so unhappy I couldn't take my clothes off. I would sleep with all my fucking clothes on plus my big ass winter coat. I should just take it out with the dog and put it in the alley. That being said I still want red high heels. Red pumps. I got rid of those one I had that I used to wear walking around naked in while my ex-husband and I did cocaine. I miss the shoes but I think it's best that I got rid of them. I also used to wear them with clothes on when we would perform together. I wonder where those shoes are now? I like the idea of me putting these things out in the alley and them having lives somewhere else. The shoes are walking on someone else's feet and hopefully having a good, healthy, loving time. Hopefully the same thing will happen with the coat. I'm going to do it. It's scary so I think it's best. GO TOWARDS THE FEAR!!!! Hmmmmm. Byeeee Blue I love Youuuuuu!!!!

Oh HI!!!

I worked hard last night and that felt fantastic. I made great money - although - well how douchey is this?? I could have made more. But honestly I made plenty of money and even though there was lots of cleaning and vacuuming going on today I managed to get some sleep. I swear though these guys never want me to rest. Okay - really I don't think they care either way. It's a blessing to come home to this quiet, clean house in the middle of New York City. Very bizarre and I appreciate it. I walked to work last night and I minded my own business. Meaning I didn't say anything to my boss or the guy who I feel treats me unfairly. I asked someone for their last show and so I got to work all night. I saw Sweet Fingers but I was busy so I couldn't talk to him but I watched him perform a little bit. Very funny. Very charming. I need to walk the dog. I put her coat on her because she's cold and then she was like - okay let's do this - I'm ready to go out!!! My eye is still weird and I don't think it is getting worse but definitely not better. So I guess Monday morning I will go to the clinic first thing. Okay - I just need to walk her. Work tonight again. Maybe I can walk to work again. That would be amazing. The exercise makes me feel so much better. Gets the dark out. Gotta walk Her Lady Doggie.

I'm in a pickle.

A rage pickle. An angry, bitter, when is this going to change and I won't wake up so miserable pickle. I know I slept 12 hours yesterday and then I went to work and got filled with rage. And do you know what? I made okay money. Decent - fine. I can live with it. But I got really angry and the worst part was that I told everyone - and I mean - EVERYONE I was upset and what I was upset about - except to the people who were upsetting me. What did I do to them?? I stopped looking at them when they looked at me, stared at them while they were looking away, gave them the cold shoulder and acted pissy around them. When has being passive aggressive ever worked? And did I tell my boss? No. Certainly not. Why would I do that? I'm being a pussy. I don't want people to think I'm tattling or well - that. I already DID tattle on this guy - months ago. He blamed some other poor girl and now I think what I'm trying to do is make everyone else so mad that someone else will go tattle. This is my life. It's so upsetting. I have PMS which stands for Pussy Mad Syndrome I guess (that's gross but true) and NOW THAT FUCKING CRETONA IS PLAYING CHORDS ON THE PIANO. Do you know the worst part? Her Lady Wonder told me that I have to want what I have before I can have what I want. That is so difficult. I had to want all this right?? I must have wanted to live in a Bed and Breakfast, waitress someplace ridiculous and unfair (just for the record I would gladly be his "favorite" and make all the money - except he sceeves me out so that will never happen) be an alcoholic/drug addict and lonely with PMS. What's more pathetic than lonley with PMS? Fuck. I wish I was strong enough to pick up a piano. I would walk down there, smile at him, then pick up the piano and put it on his head. I hate him and I hate that he lives he for free and always talks to me like I'm not only crazy but that I'm stupid and something else. I dont't entirely mean what I just said. I have no idea what he thinks but I can never get over the fact that he ate tons of my food and mostly that he ate my entire bottle of vanilla. One day it will come out. I will just lose my shit and start screaming "YOU ATE MY ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VANILLA!!! WITH YOUR OUTMEAL IN THE MORNING FOR NO FUCKING REASON!!! MY PUMPKIN BREAD SUCKED BECAUSE YOU ARE ARE MOOCHING VANILLA EATER/FOOD EATER/ENERGY SUCKER/VANIIIIIILLLLAAAAA EAAAATERRRRR!!!!!" Well that I did mean. After I get my period I will not hate him anymore but I will never forget the vanilla. Fucking vanilla?? What a douche move. On another note I am crazy and I guess I will have to want that. I WANT to be crazy. I WANT to live with a vanilla mooch, bad piano playing, manual typewriter fuckface. Maybe I should try going to therapy twice a week again. I wish I could stay indoors for the next 4 days. Alone. I am going to try though. I am going to try to do the right things and to turn this bad attitude car around. I really am. I will start by walking the dog and getting eggs, deoderant and eye wash. I will PRACTICE not thinking - WHOA - stopping thinking negative, rageful thoughts when they come to me and I will also Practice wanting what I have and also - um - fuck - oh - saying what I did right. Yes. So far what I did right today was not try to pick up a piano. Good start. Blueberry - please be kind and rewind - or just put it in the mailbox on time. Bye for now - I love you. That was hard to say.

I just slept 12 hours.

I went to sleep around 1:00 and woke up at 8:30 a.m. Then I fell back asleep - after I got the dog and put her in bed with me - until 1:45 p.m. It was so fucking great. i have been so tired. I am finally sleeping. I didn't sleep for months and months and months. Now I am tired and I needed some real sleep. Plus it is raining out so that made it REALLY easy. Of course I feel guilty but honestly I think I feel better about resting. 50/50. Guilty and I feel awesome!! I have some weird eye thing happening. I squirted lemon in it the other night (by mistake) and now it's all red - the eyeball. It looks gross and it hurts. Well it feels a tiny bit wounded. Hurt isn't he right word - it's uncomfortable. Well I would love to have a baby, be a novelist with a house on the ocean, a fantastic husband, an amazing kitchen and a super fabulous bath. That's what I want today. I think maybe comedy is really done for me. Comedy and acting. Maybe I will be - fuck. I wrote - JUST - just be a writer and then I deleted it because it sounded so obnoxious. And in some huge way it's me trying to figure out what to do instead of what I really want to do. I still want the baby, husband, beach house, kitchen, bathtub. And maybe a novelist ALSO. I adored reading growing up. I read all the time. My mother would take us to the library every Saturday and she would go to the left to the grown-up section and I would go right to the children's/juniors section. I would take out a pile of books and I would read them all. That is one of the gifts of being sober - reading again. I picked up so many books and never finished them when I was drinking. I just couldn't finish anything - or feel what I felt while reading them. I love libraries and bookstores so much. Wandering around, feeling the quietness. Fantastic. Part of what I love about show business - the writing. I wish I could get over my bitterness. It's all up to me now only I am so tired. If I could manage to put it all into words somehow I will feel so much better. If I could free myself I would be able to - what? Fly? Get out of bed? Really open up my spigot. I would be able to be super creative. That's a funny idea for a super hero - it's a colorful bird - it's a plane with graffiti all over it - no, no - it's SUPER CREATIVE!!!! I have to get ready for work. It's a 2 drink minimum.

I'm finished!!

I went through all the notebooks!! There is - let's see - I will count right now. 46. 46 notebooks from 2001 until now. Do you know why? Because when I moved in 2002 I threw out at least 20 other ones. Okay - 15? Maybe 10? A bunch. ugh it makes me sick to think of it - they must have been hilarious. In a very scary immature, not honest with myself kind of way. And maybe just material. Well - so I did it and I found some good ideas and guess what else I found? A person who was an addict and an alcoholic who needed a program - BADLY. I forgive myself now. I made mistakes and I really fucked up. But I also - was fucked up. And I have to forgive myself or I can't move forward in life and love myself. And help other people. I'm tired - I'm so glad I did that!!! I got so frustrated about it taking so long and being so painful and so I just went through it really fast. I didn't let myself wallow in the painful memories. I feel like I cleaned out a closet. Now I just need to put a set together and keep writing new stuff. Just keep writing. I just need to keep pouring it out. Byeeeee Blueberry!!!

I love secrets but I also love

attention. Is that a shock?? Not really right?? I'm writing in secret but I'm publishing it right away online. How conflicted is that?? Today I was SO upset because I agreed to go film a movie with Larni and I didn't really want to go. The ending of this story is that I had the best time and I'm so glad that I went. Christ I'm so confused. I started out the day feeling like I was done with New York and that I must not WANT to be performing or I would be - that I have no drive and why don't I at least go live somewhere where people smile at me and I can drive to the beach in 10 minutes. Maybe I still want to do that - regardless - people paid attention to me today and I left feeling like I still want to do comedy. Look this isn't going to make sense per se but I also realized something. I have been blaming different people and situations my whole life for me being stuck and for me not doing "what I want." Well is it possible that I picked the perfect people to help me NOT BE what I wanted to be? Something is happening inside of me - a new awareness is growing (believe me - I know how fucking bullshit that sounds). I'm confused but I'm also realizing and feeling in myself how I stop myself all the time. Maybe this is why it is better for me to be busy. I don't have time to stop myself, judge myself, judge others and then have a bad attitude. There's more but I don't know how to say it. I'm almost starting to go forward. I have been negative for soooooo many years and sooooo stuck for soooo long and so doubtful of myself. Add drugs and alcohol to that and it REALLY adds up to a dark, miserable mess. Well now it's like I stopped walking backwards, stopped adding poison to myself and I'm about to walk in a different direction. Forward. I have this image in my mind of something being turned inside out and going forward. Or something coming out of something else. The healed part coming out of the crusty, gross part. This is ridiculous. I got out of myself today and it felt great. I just took an amazing, long, hot shower with beautiful salts that my sister gave me and then put on the amazing lotion that she ALSO gave me. I'm so blessed to have such a wonderful sister. I am going to look through some more notebooks now. I just want to write and have people pay attention to me and then ignore me and I want to get paid lots of money for it. Thank you. Please deposit all trash in the trash cans and bring with you what you brought.

No matter what I do I feel like

I'm wrong. I drink lots of soda water because I like the bubbles and I drink flovored soda water because I like - you guessed it - flavor. But I feel guilty about buying it and then having to throw out empty bottles seems so wasteful. I recycle!! I CRAVE soda water but it tortures me. I am in a constant state of stress and worry. I bought a new bed for my dog (which she needed!!) and a new coat ( which she also needed and I'm not one of those weirdos who has a whole wardrobe for her dog - I haven't bought her anything but shots and dog food in years - okay I bought her a sweatshirt last year but it's not warm enough) for her and I feel guilty. I drank a hot chocolate from Starbuck's and it made me feel guilty. I bought a pair of pants for 10 dollars from Urban Outfitters and it made me feel guilty. I also bought a pair of 24 dollar feather earrings and holy shit that REALLY made me feel guilty. Wrong and guilty. I think that I shouldn't be spending any money at all - only paying bills, saving for my future and while I'm at it I shouldn't have the fancy phone I have so I could save money. I'm exhausted from judging myself and feeling wrong and at the same time trying to be good but being angry about it. What the fuck is that??? My therapist said today that it will get better. I will feel uncomfortable for awhile and learn how to resolve my feelings. I also can't say no. I am the WORST at saying no. Ugh this is making me angry and making me feel badly. I have to be easy on my self and all I know how to do is shop. What? Okay and make people laugh and I don't even really believe I can do that. I don't. It's easier not to and pretend like I am talented but I'm too tired to put it out there or some bullshit like that. Fuck. What a pussy ass move. Bye.

It's Monday

and I finally feel a little bit better. I woke up very VERY grumpy. I called Her Lady Wonder and she said that it's better to be grumpy than hung over and how true that is. Then I prayed and meditated and after that I decided I didn't need those 200 dollar boots (yes I was still obsessing over them) and then I felt better. Well I want to take a shower and got to therapy. I need to return a movie and put some money in the bank. I just need to take it easy today Blogg and leave myself alone. Be easy and kind to myself. Breathe. Listen to the wind and the world. Calm. Hopefully this will last longer than 10 minutes after I leave the house. Bye bye for now.