Sooooo.....

I think the first thing I ate the day after that last post was ham.  I have been reading this book my sister gave me "The crazy Sexy Diet" and I am preparing to do the 21 day diet starter plan - it's vegan and mostly raw - I think - yeah it is - and do you know how I am preparing?  By eating the grossest shit I can.  I ate 2 chicken sandwiches and a cheese burger and fries from McDonald's the other night.  I would have had a coke but it was gross so I threw it out.  Yesterday I had Chinese and when I got home last night - do I really need to go on?  Lord - okay - I have worked everyday for WEEKS.  One week?  I'm so tired and I have had days off but they have been so busy so it doesn't feel like a day off.  Wow- it feels so good to write.  I have been fighting a cold for days and I feel so nauseous.  No preggers though because no sex.  That and I'm 41 - hello.  I went on an audition last night and it was fun and good.  He told me some helpful things and I was WAY more myself - which is easier on him and me - lord.  I can't believe how sick I feel - so unpleasant.  I mean I am eating so horrible - what do I expect?  Well - sigh - I still miss the guy - he asked me to go to the movies today but I'm working.  He also asked me for a date on Sunday and I said yes but I have to really think about that.  I think I was just happy that he asked but do I really want to do that to myself?  I don't think so.  I'm so unfocused - so sort of falling apart.  Am I?  No - but I keep having bad dreams and I don't feel well.  I think going out with him might be a very bad idea.  Yeah - wow.  Okay.  I am going to write in my journal.  I'm so confused about money.  These weeks of my schedule being all changed is so fucking confusing - I don't know what I'm doing.  The other girl who works here asked me to switch something again next week but I said no.  I took care of myself and said no.  I can't do anything but one double next week or I will lose my fucking mind.  Jesus - this is so fucking hard - I really don't know who I am or what I am doing - so fucking weird.  I want to dance so badly - I need to get back to the dance.  DANCE.  Yes.  Okay - bye.  Love your Blueberry Face.