I'm a less mess but still a mess...

Third double in a row and with the subways a mess this weekend I am also a mess now.  I had to take a bus to a train, to another train, to a bus.  I didn't walk the dog and I am so mad at myself for thinking this was okay.  Why did I say yes that I would work this way for 2 weekends?  I can never do this again.  Okay - look - last year I wouldn't have taken a shower, I would have paid for a cab to work and what else?  I would - I don't know.  This is - I can't even focus.  I didn't even work the 3rd show last night or I would be even MORE of a mess.  So despite the fact I still haven't been able to just say "No - I'm sorry - that won't work for me" - at least I'm taking slightly better care of myself.  I need to get a new job.  Can you imagine?  This has been years of me wanting & needing to leave that comedy club and years of me not being able to get back my power from a loving place.  Okay - so I have anew theory that unless I give my notice at that club I will not leave.  I won't - although honestly - the money is so bad there now that I just don't even know how it's staying open.  I think I need to stop writing.  I'm upset - I still miss the guy so much.  Last night I totally ignored him until I paid the tiniest attention to him and then he started to rub my back - what is that?  He looked so happy when I paid the tiniest attention to him at one point and it broke my heart.  I can't take this.  Yes - I can - I can take this.  This is my same lesson.  I matter, I can say no - lord - alright - I'm stopping writing - I'm crazy today here at this job.  At least I'm clean - what a difference that makes.  Bye Bluebie. p.s. What am I doing?  Why am I living my beautiful life like this right now?