Regression in the service of the ego.

That's what I did - that's what happened when someone showed up that I did not want to spend time with and that is what happened when that person sat opposite me at dinner and STARED at me.  I regressed in the service of my stupid fucking EGO.  How's that for a kick in the mother fucking psyche?  Fuck my ass dry what an awful experience that was and it has taken me 2 days to understand what happened and to somewhat get over it.  I had decided to not spend time with this person anymore because I can't help them and I feel like I am so pulled off myself around them it's insane, pus I feel drained and awful and - seriously - do I need to go on?  It's not good for me.  That is the nicest way to say it - it's not good for me.  Then I'm waiting for the train and they just walk up to me and follow me into a meeting and then to dinner and never once did I just leave.  I could have left.  I just got more and more upset and confused and I didn't have any fun and I had to talk to my sponsor for an hour about it and I spent all day trying to recover from it and my whole therapy session learning it's called Regression in the service of the ego.  When we regress to previous behavior instead of dealing with feelings in a more adult manner.  Barf.  Fucking so much barf.  My therapist said it's a repetition compulsion and that it's one of the hardest things to change.  WHY?  AND HOW???  How am I EVER going to do what I want before my tits are on the floor?I need to go to sleep.  I apparently have more work to do on myself.  How do I focus on the positive?  I just do - I can.  It will all be okay.  This feels so hard lately but I guess breaking lifelong and generations long habits of being victimized doesn't get fixed just because I want it to.  OUCH......fucking OUCH.  Haha - my ego hurts.  Bye Bluebie - I LOVE you.